I See You
by JaggedHands
Summary: Picks up after Amanda's sister ends up in prison and her mother basically disown her outside the courtroom in front of her colleagues. Olivia realizes how unwelcoming she's been towards the blonde from the very start and finally sees her for the person she truly is. Eventually Rolivia.
1. Chapter 1

I See You

Chapter 1

Sergeant Olivia Benson sat by her desk sorting out a pile of paperwork, or rather, trying to sort them out. Her mind was elsewhere and her thoughts were jumbled and stressed. Sighing she took her glasses off and placed them in her case that was neatly placed on the dark polished mahogany surface. Looking out through the glass window of her office she saw her colleagues working hard to catch the dangerous perps that wandered the streets of New York City day and night. Fin, Carisi, Dodds and Rollins, except the female blonde was not in the building, not in the bullpen and not by her desk. Her space was empty, a clean desk with nothing on it but a big chunk of files waiting to be looked through and updated.

Olivia had sent the young blonde home, earlier that day, to get some much needed rest and try to ease her stress levels. Her blood pressure was low and being almost seven months pregnant it was more of a necessity and precaution to send her home rather than just an order to follow to please her boss.

Amanda Rollins was a hard worker, always been and always would be. Olivia could tell from the very start and the very first case they worked togther that the petite blonde was headstrong, dedicated and very accomplished in her profession. She would go that extra mile for a victim and would do everything she possibly could to catch the bad guys. Olivia was exactly the same but yet different. Amanda, sometimes, would get ahead of herself and act too quickly and not think about the consequences of her actions. Olivia, on the other hand, always made sure she did everything by the book and never jumped to conclusions before things were properly and thoroughly investigated and supported with strong and solid evidence.

Amanda's younger sister, Kim, had today been sent to prison, while waiting for sentencing and her upcoming trail, and her mother had made it clear that Amanda was no longer her daughter and wanted nothing more to do with her until she understands the real meaning and value of family. Her mother had always been on Kim's side, even as children she would side with Kim and stick up for her youngest daughter. She had obviously thought that, by some miracle, that Amanda would get her sister out of prison and clear her record but had become very hostile and threatening towards Amanda when she realized that the blonde couldn't do anything about it. Even if she could clear her sister's name she still wouldn't do it. Not after all the stress she had caused Amanda in the past.

Alone and pregnant was not something anyone should go through and Olivia couldn't help but to worry about her young detective. Coming from a troubled childhood and a dysfunctional family herself she could relate to what Amanda must be going through and it pained her.

It was almost six pm and already dark outside. Placing her long black coat over her broad shoulders she decided it was time to leave. She wanted to check in on the blonde to see how she was doing and quickly made a call to her baby sitter telling her that she would be home later and to give Noah lots of kisses and cuddles. Lucy, the sitter, was always eager to please and had no problem staying longer.

"Going home, Sarge?" Fin looked up from his computer screen and raised his eyebrows.

Liv smiled and let out a breath. "Yeah, I think we should all call it a day... or night. It's been a long one." she sighed.

Carisi and Dodds began shutting down their computers and gathering their stuff together, ready to wrap it up. Fin did the same before grabbing his leather jacket hanging at the back of his chair. "That it has." he stated bluntly. "I'm gonna check in on Rollins on my way home, see if she needs anything. I'll see you all tomorrow."

The other two detectives were already on their way towards the elevator, after saying their goodnights, when Olivia placed a hand on Fin's lower arm. "Um, actually I was heading there myself. I just want to see how she is doing and touch base, see where we stand."

Fin frowned. "Look, I know Rollins have some issues but don't be too hard on her. She didn't even know her sister was in town until the surveillance footage came up and..."

"Fin, I've got it, okay. I know she's your partner and that you care for her and, believe it or not, so do I. I know I've come across as a bit... harsh when it comes to Rollins. I suppose she just knows how to push my buttons." she smiled slightly as Fin did the same. "Don't worry, I just want to see how she's doing... as a friend not as her boss, okay?"

Fin nodded. "Okay, but if I find out that you've been mean to my partner, I would have to kill ya and I'm a detective so I know how to hide all the evidence and not to leave a trace behind and get caught." he said it in a serious tone and held a stoic face but Olivia knew he was just being overprotective and didn't take what he said literally.

She chuckled and placed a hand on her senior detective's shoulder. "Copy that. Walk me out?"

Amanda sat on her couch trying to keep her body stil and her mind from speeding out of control. She had been pacing back and forth between the kitchen and the sitting room but quickly remembered what the doctor said about taking it easy to prevent another attack of hypotension.

She tried to keep busy so her mind wouldn't wander off and reflect about previous events and make her even more stressed. It's hard to force your thoughts into thinking about something else when all you can think of is the things that you're not suppose to think of. It made her even more agitated and she began pacing again, running her fingers through her blonde hair as she did so. She was alone.

She didn't know what to do now. Here she was, 36 years of age, pregnant, single mother, married to her job, had a family that wanted nothing more to do with her and her boss was, more than likely, hugely disappointed in her and her thoughtless actions... again. She was alone. She always had to screw it up but also tried to learn from her mistakes but, yet here she was, desperately trying to climb up from the deep whole she had so easily dug for herself. She was alone. It all seemed hopeless and impossible, like there was no way out and everything was falling apart and all she could do was watch as her life crumbled in front of her. She was alone.

Tears formed in her already stinging eyes, from a previous crying sessions earlier on, but angrily brushed them away. She was afraid. Afraid that if she started crying again she wouldn't be able to stop. Crying was not gonna get her out of this mess and she was determined not to waste any tears due to her own stupidity. She deserved to feel miserable for the mistakes she had done when it came to the squad and her boss. She had always looked up to Liv, even before she started working for her the older detective had been a role model and somewhat of a hero to the blonde, someone to look up to and admire. She had been transferred from Atlanta Georgia to the SVU team in NY a couple of years ago and things had not turned out as she thought they would.

Benson had been very reluctant and weary to let a new detective in on the team and came across as cold hearted and hardened around the blonde. She acted as if Amanda was a total rookie and hadn't a clue of what she was doing. That only made the young blonde even more determined to prove herself and put everything she had into every case until, finally, she saw some kind of change in her boss. She had shown what she was capable of and also what she was made of. Things got better until Amanda's family began stirring things up, especially her sister and, on top of everything else, a man from her past gambling addiction tracked her down, roughened her up and demanded the money back that she owed him from years ago.

That was all sorted now. Her debt was paid off thanks to a bit of help from her partner Fin. Now she found herself yet in another unfortunate situation and there was no getting out of this one.

She closed her stinging eyes, letting them rest for a few seconds before opening them again. Hit by the bright light in the room she squinted and quickly dimmed it. A gentle knock on the door brought her out of her misety temporarily. She wasn't expecting anyone and it was almost six thirty. Groaning she went to open it, thinking it was probably Jehovah's Witness or some door to door salesman. What she didn't expect was her boss standing at the other side of the door with a gentle smile on her face, eyeing the blonde from top to toe, taking in her obviously beaten appearance.

"Searge, what... what are you doing here?" her voice was uncertain and shaky, shocked at the tall brunette's sudden visit.

Liv's smile grew wider as she saw the confusion on her colleagues face but the smile instantly disappeared when she noticed Amanda's red puffy eyes. She took a step inside the blonde's apartment taking notice of how dark it was inside and how Amanda still seemed to be struggling with the light coming from the lamp in the corner.

Without thinking she reached out to touch a pale cheek but Amanda instantly pulled back, looking scared and bewildered. "Amanda," Liv said in a soft voice, "I came to check on you. Are you alright?" she studied the fair features and saw how drawn and tired the blonde seemed to be and how her red eyes had dark circles under them, telling her that she was not sleeping well or sleeping at all.

Amanda tried to manage a smile but it turned out to look like a pathetic grimace more than anything. "I'm... I'm fine, sarge. There was no need for you to come all the way here." frail arms wrapped around her bulging stomach in a protective manner. The gesture didn't go unnoticed by Liv but decided not to elaborate on it. The blonde was building walls around herself to keep any intruders out and friends from coming in. It was a defense mechanism that Amanda almost had down to a profession and knew exactly how to work it.

Olivia cocked her head to the side and offered a sympathetic smile. "You look a bit... upset. Look, I'm here as a friend not as your sergeant. I just wanted to know how you were doing after... everything that happened today." she watched as Amanda wrapped her arms tighter around herself and saw her struggling to swallow. "I can't even begin to imagine what you're going through, Amanda. Just know that we're all here for you, I'm here for you. We all care and worry. You're a part of the team and we're like family so if..."

"Liv, I'm fine." the blonde interrupted, putting on a brave front that Olivia could see straight through. "Honestly. It's nothing new to me. I can handle it."

Liv knew that Amanda wanted to be left alone and that she hated to feel sorry for herself. Taking a step closer to the tough smaller detective Olivia placed a hand on her shoulder and felt how tense the blonde was, so tense she was almost shaking. Amanda once again pulled away from the touch like it was poisonous. "I know you can handle it but that doesn't mean you have to handle it on your own. As I said, we are all here and if you feel more comfortable talking to Fin about it or..."

"Sarge, please!" Amanda raised her hands to stop her. "I don't want..." she sighed and shook her head, "no... I don't need to talk about it." she lowered her hands and again wrapped them around her protruding belly. "I'm okay."

The brunette sighed and slumped her shoulders looking at her young detective with concern written on her face. "Are you? Are you okay, Amanda?" she took another step closer to the blonde, "Cause it's okay not to be okay." the last sentence was said softly, her victim voice, as her colleagues would call it. Looking into the blue, but bloodshot eyes, she saw a flicker of something. An emotion? A feeling? A realization? Some kind of epiphany?

If Liv could take another step closer she would but she was already standing too close to the woman in front of her. Amanda opened her mouth to say something but no word came through her cramped up throat. She knew what Liv had just said was right but she didn't expect the words to hit her so hard. Of course she knew it was okay to not feel okay. She said it to victims almost everyday but hearing Liv saying it and directing those words straight to the blonde made it real and things suddenly became magnified.

She didn't like the new feeling that crept over her. She felt out of control, lost and scared. Those words had hit a nerve that Amanda didn't even know she had. Tears seeped through again and the blonde turned her head to the side, trying to hide the salty drops that silently made their way down her cheek. She shook, physically trembling, from trapped emotions and feelings that she previously always had ignored or just pushed to the side and she hate herself for it.

Having her boss see her so like this, so weak and out of control, scared her and made her extremely embarrassed and uncomfortable. Smiling through her tears she shrugged her shoulders and tried to convince Liv that she was fine even though she knew the bruntte wouldn't buy it. "I'm... I'm okay." she said with a broken voice hating that she sounded so vulnerable as her eyes kept filling up.

Olivia frowned but didn't say anything. She looked on as one of her best detectives slowly unravelled in front of her and it broke her heart. Sighing she shook her head and took the last step that kept the women apart. Opening her arms she gently brought the blonde in to a warm embrace and pulled her close. She instantly felt Amanda trying to worm herself out of the tight spot but to no use. The older woman felt the small frame in her arms fight against the hug but Olivia held on knowing that she couldn't struggle and fight her forever.

Truth and reality suddenly kicked in for the blonde and she could feel herself began to lose control. The tears wouldn't stop coming and a sob was making it's way up through her throat. She tried to stiffle it but only made it worse as the strangled sob came out sounding more like a desperate gasp for air than anything else. She had reached the edge and tipped over it, crossed the line and couldn't turn back, she was on the road of no return. Whatever happened now was inevitable.

As the sob tore through the shattered blonde Olivia couldn't help but to bring her hand up to stroke the fair, slightly tangled, tresses. "Oh Amanda." she whispered, her voice full of emotion. The blonde had given up fighting againt the physical contact but made no attempt to hug Olivia back. Her arms were hanging loosly down her sides as Liv rubbed her lower back feeling her natural need to comfort and console creeping up.

"It's okay." she whispered, "you're going to be just fine. We all have your back, Amanda. We're on your side."

It all became too much for the upset woman. She was embarrassed for crying in front of her boss, letting her see her vulnerability and weakness. Showing emotions were not her thing and she was never any good at it. She hated it and hated herself for it. She plled away and angrily wiped at her damp face. "I'm okay. You should go." taking a couple of steps back she began feeling very fidgety and out of sort. "I'm sure Noah misses you. Thanks for coming by to check on me but there was no need." she avoided eye contact at any cost and didn't want to look into her boss's concerned eyes that probably showed nothing but pity for her.

Liv felt sad for the blonde, for pulling away so abruptly and not letting herself feel whatever she felt. "Amanda, you don't have to pretend that you're okay. I know I can't force you to talk to me but just know that I'm here if you ever change your mind. You can call me any time, day or night, I mean it. I'm only a phone call away."

Smiling Amanda shrugged like nothing was wrong and that everything was completely normal. "I'm fine. Thanks." she simply stated, feeling Olivia's eyes staring into her very soul. She almost became afraid that the brunette would see all her secrets and hidden emotions if she kept on looking at her so intensely. She didn't mean to be rude but she nearly pushed Olivia out the door before she broke down again. "I'll see you tomorrow, sarge." and with that she closed the door, leaving a worried and concerned brunette at the other side.


	2. Chapter 2

I See You

Chapter 2

Amanda sank down in her desk chair and sighed. She was getting bigger by the day, or so it seemed and felt like to her, and her back was taking most of the strain. Two weeks had passed since her boss had seen her at her most vulnerable state. Nothing had been said about it, they had just carried on as usual, cases, interrogations, paperwork and questionings. Keeping things normal and strictly professional helped Amanda cope and feel less embarrassed about her minor breakdown. She didn't want anything to change, even though she knew that everything already had. Carrying on as usual and not amitting to change or saying it out loud made it not real and tolerable. Just get through the day and prepare for the next.

Olivia knew Rollins defense mechanism and it was obvious to her that Amanda was not fine and, in fact, not coping at all. Bringing it up in a conversation would only result in Amanda shutting down and completely deny it. It was a tough situation and Liv found herself unsure of how to handle it and how to proceed. She was usually good in most emotional situations but when it comes to a coworker and someone you see and talk to everyday made it frustratingly annoying and difficult. Olivia didn't even know who the father of Amanda's baby was and she doubted that anyone else knew.

Benson watched from her office window how the blonde tiredly rubbed her hand across her big belly and shifted in her chair to get comfortable. She had to break the news to Amanda about strictly going on desk duty and knew that the blonde would not be happy about it. If there was anyone in Olivia's squad that hated paperwork the most, it was Amanda. The blonde liked to be out and about, being active, going places and a very hands on kind of girl. Being stuck in front of a desk for hours on end was something that Olivia knew she would absolutely despise. Even so, she had to think about what would be best for Amanda and the baby and also go by the book. Amanda was in no fit state to be running after perps along the busy streets of Manhattan.

It felt like she was preparing for battle. Knowing the blonde would lash out and try every little trick she had up her sleeves to defend herself and avoid desk duty, Liv was determined not to back down. She stood up, crossed the room and popped her head out. "Rollins, my office please." her voice was calm and professional.

As the blonde slowly stood up she threw Fin a glance, raising her eyebrows in a questioning manner. Her partner frowned and shrugged his shoulders, telling her that he hadn't a clue what Liv wanted to talk about.

As she entered her sergeant's office her hands began to sweat and shake. She quickly placed her thumbs into the belt loops of her maternity jeans to stop them from trembling. "What's up, sarge?" she asked in a strong voice that even surprised herself.

Liv unconsciously placed a hand on Amanda's lowed back and guided her towards her desk. "Why don't you sit down. You've been on your feet way too long."

When Liv wasn't looking Amanda frowned thinking why Olivia cared all of a sudden. Why would she care about how many hours she spent on her feet? Sitting down was not a good idea in Amanda's head. Sitting down usually ment a delicate subject was about to reveal itself and sitting down also ment that it would take you longer to flee the room if you had to. The blonde stayed close to the door, pacing slightly. "I'm fine sarge. I rather stand. So what can I... do for you, sargeant?"

Already Liv could tell this was going to be difficult. Not getting Amanda to sit down was a bad start and she thought that bringing her in to her office was all a mistake but she knew that this could not wait until later. Just get it over and done with.

"Actually Amanda, I'd prefer if you sit down, please." she spoke softly, sat down on her own chair and gestured for the blonde to take the seat across the desk. Reluctant and almost feeling sick to her stomach from nerves she had no choice but to plunk herself down onto the uncomfortable chair, eye contact desperately kept to a bare minimum. "How are you feeling, Amanda?" Liv asked.

It was a simple question that held so many answers. How did she feel? What was she suppose to feel? Did it matter? What was this all about? Her stomach clenched tightly and her heart began to beat profusely. "I... I'm fine sarge. May I ask what this is about?"

Smiling comfortingly Liv leaned back against the backrest. "Of course. Um, first I want to point out that you're a great addition to the team and you have been ever since you started. You're a hard worker and you're always very proffesional. There's no denying that you're getting bigger and the physical strain that comes with this job sometimes is not good for anyone in your condition. I'm afraid I'm gonna have to put you on desk duty." before the blonde got a chance to speak, Olivia continued, "its of course only temporary. After the baby is born and, when you're ready, you can of course go back to... kick bad guy's asses." she tried to lighten the mood a bit knowing Amanda was about to lose the plot.

To Olivia's surprise the young blonde didn't object, in fact, she seemed to appear very calm and collected about it. The brunette raised her eyebrows in confusion, the corner of her mouth drawing a smile. "You seem to take it better than I expected. As I said, it's just temporary and I want and need you back on the field when you're ready."

Amanda knew this conversation was bound to happen, she was just a little surprised at how long Liv had waited to bring it up and finally address it. The blonde had never been good with one on one conversations with higher authority members and started to feel trapped, small and anxious, like she had to get out really quick and escape the situation and the feeling. She just simply nodded and placed her hands on the armrests to push herself up but stopped. "Is that all, sargeant?" Amanda asked in a monotone voice, still not making eye contact.

Olivia could see how uncomfortable the blonde was and decided not to keep her any longer than necessary. "That's all." the brunette stated softly. "Thanks for coming in and, Amanda..." she waited until the blonde detective looked her in the eye, even though it was only for a second, before she decided to add to her sentence, "let me know if there's anything you need, okay?"

Amanda pushed herself off the chair, gave Liv a barely noticeable nod and almost ran out the door as if she was running from the plague. Left in the office was a very confused and slightly concerned Olivia. Things had turned out easy, almost too easy. So easy that it worried the high ranking detective. Something was definitely up with Amanda, she just didn't know what and knew that the blonde herself would never bring it up or talk about it out of own free will.

Leaning back in her office chair she placed her hands at the back of her head and stretched, her mind racing and houghts tumbling as to why Amanda's sudden change in mood and why accepting something without a fight that previously would've been unacceptable. Liv was indeed confused.

A new case came in, taking up all the time the detective's had on their hands. A woman, raped and beaten by her boyfriend Josh, who was still on the run, was now missing. The only suspect was Josh and by finding him they would hopefully find Emily too or vice versa. Fin, Carisi and Dodds were out interviewing family and friends, following leads and trying to locate his whereabouts. Rollins, however, was stuck behind her desk, filing paperwork, making phone calls to the DA's office and going through DD5's.

Her head popped up, startled when a take away cup was placed in front of her on her desk. "I got you a cup of chamomile tea, it's good." Olivia had her own paper cup in her left hand, probably containing delicious coffee that Amanda tried to stay away from during her pregnancy. Her blue eyes met brown with a cautious stare and an unsure look on her face.

"Um, thanks." the blonde slowly placed her hands around the cup feeling the warmth penetrate her fingers and palms heating up her cold hands. She was surprised and somewhat suspicious of her sergeant's suddenly change in behavior towards her. Never had Olivia gotten her a cup of anything before, unless she got coffee for everybody else as well, but never for just Amanda alone.

Liv took a sip of her hot liquid. "So, how are you feeling these days?" the brunette asked gently, trying to ease Amanda in to open up to her a little bit.

The blonde rolled the cup back and forth between her palms, desperately needing something to focus on and to avoid eye contact. "Big." she finally said with a small chuckle.

Liv smiled and tilted her head to the side. "Yeah well, that's to be expected." there was a slight pause. "Do you know the sex of the baby?"

Amanda was extremely uncomfortable. She didn't understand why her boss was suddenly so interested in her well-being or her baby. Was she trying to make friends? Make up for past mistakes or make a mence for her previously unwelcoming manners or maybe she just felt sorry for the blonde? Amanda hoped it wasn't the later one. She wanted no pity, needed no pity or felt pity for herself. Pity would get you nowhere.

"No... um, I don't. It doesn't matter what it is as long as it's healthy right?" she tried to make conversation but found it really hard when all she could think about was why her boss was acting so... weird and friendly.

Giving Amanda a huge smile she placed her right hand on the blonde's shoulder and gave it a firm tug. "Absolutely." Liv said and let go of the physical contact. "Don't work too hard. Go easy on yourself Amanda." and with that she stood up and headed towards her office.

Amanda frowned and watched as her boss closed her office door. A strange feeling of confusion mixed with appreciation and curiosity washed over her. She did appreciate Liv's effort by bying her a cup of tea and trying to make her more at ease by offering small talk and kind gestures, but to Amanda it didn't sit quite right and it made her fidgety and stressed.

Amanda leaned back and sipped her hot beverage, while trying to sort out her thoughts. She almost jumped out of her seat when her phone rang. "Rollins." she was quick answering. She listened and kept quiet for a few seconds before making a decision which she knew was gonna get her in trouble. "I'm on my way." she grabbed her jacket, phone and keys hoping that she was quick enough to get out before Liv could stop her.


	3. Chapter 3

I See You

Chapter 3

Liv got the news only seconds after Amanda. The brunette disconnected the call just as she saw the blonde disappear down the hall. "Fuck!" she muttered under her breath, grabbed her belongings and rushed after her colleague. When she got out the main entrence Amanda was nowhere to be found. Groaning loudly and letting out a rhyme of curses, which caused bypassers to give her strange glances, she quickly got in to her car and sped off.

Their main suspect was not missing anymore. Taking her girlfriend hostage in an old warehouse he was now trying to get a deal. Drop the rape and assult charges and he would let Emily go. Fin, Carisi and Dodds were first on the scene and was now negotiating Josh's options. He was not backing down, adamant that he would be released. Fin took the lead since he was senior and somehow managed to convince Josh to come inside and talk more privately, on one condition, no gun.

Fin surrendered his firearm and slowly made his way in, hands up in the air to indicate he ment no harm and, that in fact, he was unarmed. There were now two hostages. Emily looked physically okay. A few scrapes and bruises on her face, arms and hands and terror evident in her tearfilled eyes.

As Fin tried to talk some sense and reason into the man, Amanda was making her way to the location with Liv hot on her heels. Hearing that her partner Fin was in trouble made her blood boil. They were ery close, Amanda and Fin, they were partners after all but there was also a sense of siblingship between them. He was almost like a brother to her, a brother and a family member she never had before and to think that she might lose him or him getting injured was just unimaginable. She stepped on the accelerator, reashing her destination in half the time. She knew Liv was not far behind which made her anxious and antsy. All she could think of was her partner being held hostage unarmed with some crazy ass lunatic pointing a gun to his head.

Getting out as quick as she could from the car she hurried over to where Carisi and Dodds were standing. Dodds were on the phone trying to get in contact with a professional negotiator on the SWAT team but it would be awhile before they could get there. She ran straight up to Carisi who was holding his police radio ready in his hand. "Hey," she panted, "anything new?" she asked.

Carisi shook his head. "No, he's still in there trying to talk him out of it. A few officers are trying to locate emergency exits and other ways to get in. Don't worry, he'll be fine. Fin is hard ass."

Rollins didn't look convinced. She didn't think twize about what she was about to do. She made sure her gun was securely fastened at her hip and took of towards the run down deserted building.

"Rollins?!" she could hear Carisi and Dodds shouting after her as she ran but ignored their screams. She had to find a way in herself. It was like an unwritten oath to protect your partner and have each others backs and that kept running through Amanda's head as she desperately tried to find a way in. She quickly scanned the side of the building without any luck. Passing around a corner she spotted a secluded area full of rubbish containers and skips. Her gun was firmly held in her hands as she canvassed the scene. There were no doors in sight or any windows positioned low enough for her to climb in through.

Sighing she decided to continue around to the other side when something caught her eye. Behind one of the larger skips she could make out a smaller emergency exit hidden from view and headed straight for it praying to, whatever higher power out there, that it would be open. Her prayer must have been answered cause by some miracle it was unlocked. She got in and secured the area quickly before continuing down a dark narrow corridor with cement walls, ceiling and floor. It was cold and damp inside, small pools of water had gathered in the grooves on the ground and some was dripping down from above.

As she hurried down the tight passage she bagan to hear faint voices. It was hard to tell which exact direction they came from due to the echoing between the walls and rooms. Frowning she headed towards where she thought they were coming from and was relieved when the voices became louder and more clear.

"Carisi! Dodds!" Olivia ran up to her two detectives with concern showing on her face. Her coat was tightly buttoned, a deep purple scarf wrapped around her neck and her breath was fogging the air in the biting cold.

Dodds was still in the phone so Carisi informed his sargeant about the whole situation. "So there's now three of them in there, including the perp and Rollins took off on some rescue mission and..."

"Wait, what?!" Liv shouted, "Rollins went in? On her own? What were you thining? Why didn't you stop her?" she was furious, worried and pissed at the same time.

Carisi held his hands up in defens. "We tried sarge, but she wouldn't listen. She ran that way." he indicated towards where Amanda had disappeared. "We really tried sarge but she was too fast." The brunette didn't waste any time and immediately ran off following Rollins exact footsteps, determined to find her before trouble found her.

Amanda could tell she was close. The voices were now audible enough to make out most words. She heard Fin's voice and she couldn't help but to smile slightly to heself in relief. She then heard another man's voice which couldn't have been anybody else's but the perp's. There was also a sniffling and a muffled sound which she quickly assumed were coming from Emily, which mentvthat they were all still alive and breathing. She heard Fin trying his best to convince Josh to put his gun down and for him to calm down. She got closer until thete was only a thick concrete wall between them. Luckily for her the way the wall was turning she could peek around the corner to get a clear view of the area. Amanda could see the perp holding onto the terrified woman, pointing his gun hard against her temple, and Fin was standing about ten feet away doing his best to save everybody.

The blonde was about twelve feet away from Fin. Her head was running wild, trying to think of something that would get them all out safe and sound before anyone got shot or killed.

"Look man, all you gotta do is let Emily go and you walk out of here a free man. How's that?"

Josh snorted and snarled. "You think I'm stupid? I know you've got the whole building surrounded with uniforms. There's no way I'm walking out of here a free man." he was sweating profusely and his hands were shaking, voice trembling and breathing short and shallow. "And if I don't get out of here alive, no one will."

His voice was deep and threatening, on the verge of explosion, and Amanda could hear the hammer on the gun being pulled knowing that the trigger would soon be pressed and the gun would fire. Not thinking twize about her actions she emerged from around the corner, her own gun drawn, just in time to see the perp aim his firearm at her partner.

Two shots were fired almost simultaneously, one was the perps and the other from Amanda's gun, just as the blonde threw herself in front of her partner, acting as a shield. Her bullet hit the target and Josh fell down onto his knees bringing Emily with him as she cried out in fear and relief.

There was a dead silence for a few seconds before Fin moaned as he slowly got up from the concrete floor, his head sore from the fall. Suddenly the place was swarming with officers and EMT's. Shaking his head to clear it he looked to his left hand side to see what or who had hit him. "Amanda!" he shouted and knelt down next to her, scanning her body for any injury.

Amanda felt like the wind had been knocked out of her. She had landed on her right shoulder and it was more than likely dislocated. A cut above her eyebrow, from the fall, was bleeding and the left side of her torso was hurting real bad. Groaning she tried to sit up but was stopped by Fin's firm hands. "Don't get up Manda, you've been shot. Just lay still, help is on the way." he added pressure onto her bleeding side by using his jacket while speaking calmly to her.

"Amanda!?" Liv shouted as she saw the blonde pregnant detective laying on the floor bleeding. Quickly she ran towards her colleagues and scooted down next to Fin, placing a hand on Amanda's protruding belly and one on her cheek, forcing the blonde to look at her.

"You're okay, Amanda. We're gonna get you some help." looking around fiercely she spotted a couple of EMT's heading towards them. "Hurry!" Liv cried, "officer down and she's between six and seven months pregnant." she turned her attention back on Amanda, watching as her face drained it's usual rosy colour to a deathly pale ashen shade. "Just hold on Amanda. You're gonna be okay." she repeated gently as the EMTs started working on her.

"We need to take her in now. She's losing a lot of blood." one of the male paramedics stated.

"I'll ride with her." Fin said as he rubbed the back of his head feeling a nice size bump that had already popped up.

Liv glared at him, angry at him for making such a stupid decision by walking into a hostage situation unarmed. "No, you need to be checked over you could have a concussion. I'll ride with her." Fin could sense her anger and disappointment and did not argue.

In the ambulance Amanda was quickly hooked up with a drip and a pain relief was administered to take the edge off. Fin's jacket was still working as a pressure aid until it was replaced with a pile of gauze, that Olivia tightly held on to, adding just the right amount of pressure. Suddenly the blonde on the stretcher cried out and clutched at her stomach, her whole face scrunched up in pain. "Ahhh!" she screamed as she threw her head back in agony.

Liv looked at the paramedic with concern on her face. "What's happening?"

"The baby is in distress. There's nothing I can do until we get her to the hospital. Should only be a few minutes now."

Liv held on to the gauze steadily and gently stroked Amanda's blonde hair away from her painfilled face. "Amanda, you're gonna be fine honey. Stay with us, we're almost there. A few more minutes and it'll all be over. You're gonna be fine." she continued speaking soothingly to her young detective. She couldn't believe what Amanda had just done. Throwing herself in front of her partner, taking a bullet that was ment for him, risking her life and her baby. All she wanted to do was to grab a hold of her and give her a firm shake, shout at her for the stupid and irresponsible thing she did. Looking down at the blonde, seeing tears falling down her cheeks, made her rage slowly evaporate and turn into compassion and concern. This was not the time to scold and be angry. Her detective was injured in the line of duty and it was her job to make sure things got straightened out. Amanda needed her now even though Liv knew that the pregnant woman would not admit to it.


	4. Chapter 4

I See You

Chapter 4

Fin practically ran towards the waiting area where Liv and Dodds were anxiously standing, waiting for any news or updates on Amanda's condition. "Where is she? Is she okay?" Fin asked.

Liv sighed and ran her fingers through her hair in frustration. "We don't know anything yet. The baby got into some difficulties in the ambulance and Amanda has lost a lot of blood. That's all I know. How are you doing?"

Fin rolled his eyes. "I'll live. Just a bit dazed from the fall but cleared for duty. I'm more worried about Amanda. How's Emily?" they had almost forgotten about their rape victim.

Dodds stepped in. "She's fine, just shook up and bruised. Josh didn't make it." taking a deep breath he shoved his hands into his pockets and began pacing. "1PP is going to have a field day with this one." he muttered.

Liv snorted. "Yeah, tell me about it. Tucker is probably at the precinct already waiting to get his hands on this." she sighed, "I'll deal with it when I know Amanda is gonna be okay."

Fin threw her a glance wondering why his sargeant was suddenly so worried about Amanda's wellbeing. "I'll hang around if you have to go back to the station?" he offered.

"No way!"Liv snapped, causing Fin and Dodds to jump slightly. "I can't believe this happened. It shouldn't have happened. What were you thinking? It was a dangerous and an unpredictable situation and you just had to walk right into it? You should've waited until I got there. You follow my orders, detective." she glared at Dodds who looked stunned, "and that goes for you too."

"If we had waited Emily would be dead." Fin added.

Liv turned around to face her senior detective, anger oozing from every pore. "Yeah, and now Amanda might not make it, or her baby, is that what you wanted when you informed her that you were going in to play the hero?"

Fin was just about to dfend himself when Dodds interrupted by taking a step closer. "Um, actually sarge... that was me. I rang Rollins... not Fin."

Liv raised her eyebrows. She was getting sick of this whole situation already and needed some time to cool down and gather her thoughts. Sighing she shook her head. "Look, just head down to the station and get the paperwork rolling. I'm staying here until I know what's going on. I need to calm myself down before I say something I'll regret." she watched as her two colleagues walked with bowed heads, down the corridor, like two school boys who had just been punished for being bold.

Olivia sat down, rested her elbows on her knees and leaned forward. That's when she noticed Amanda's dried blood on her hands. Feeling sick to her stomach at the sight she hurried to the nearest bathroom and shakily began to scrub, scrape and claw at her skin. When her hands were clean she glanced down at the crimson water that had gathered in the sink. Remembering running her hands through her hair earlier she checked for any blood in her dark tresses and was relieved when there was nothing there to clean.

She walked back out into the waiting area and was immediately stopped by a middle-aged man in dark scrubs. "Are you here for Amanda Rollins?"

"Yes," Liv quickly stated and inched closer to the doctor. "How is she? How's the baby?"

The doctor, who's name tag read Dr Davis, scratched the back of his neck. "Well, I'm not suppose to give out information to non family members but since she didn't want me to contact her family I need to respect her wishes. You're her sargeant, correct?" he asked.

Benson nodded. "Yeah, I am." she showed him her badge, complete procedure. "Wait, she told you not to cantact her family? So she's okay? I mean, she spoke to you?"

"Yes, as soon as I began working on her she grabbed my arm and told me not to contact her family, said she didn't have one anyways. Is that correct?" he looked at Liv with a questioning frown.

"Um... Yes. I suppose you could say that." she didn't want to go against Amanda's wishes either by contacting her mother so she pushed that thought away pretty quickly. "Will she be okay?"

Dr Davis nodded. "Yes, she's fine and the baby is fine. Her shoulder was dislocated so it's now placed in a sling, the cut by her eyebrow is stitched up and the bullet didn't hit any internal organs, nerves or arteties. It was more of a flesh wound really. Through and through, nicely stitched up and bandaged." he paused before taking a breath. "The baby was in distress when she got here but it's now under control. The baby is fine, she just need to take it easy and get plenty of bed rest. Stress is not good for the baby or the mother. I suggest early maternity leave so she can focus on relaxing and getting stronger."

"Is she awake? Can I see her?" the brunette asked as she took a step closer to the surgeon.

"You're not gonna call her family, are you?" he asked the tall woman in front.

"No, um... her family is... um, complicated. Can I see her now?"

The doctor nodded. "Sure, down the hall to the left, room 346. I want to keep her here for a few days just to make sure everything is okay before I discharge her."

Liv gave him a quick smile and nodded her thanks. She headed down towards the blonde's room and entered. Amanda was laying down, eyes cosed, one arm in a sling and the other resting on her stomach. The cut above her eye looked sore but it was indeed nicely stitched, it would hardly leave a scar. The brunette didn't know if she was asleep or just resting. Grabbing a chair she took a seat next to the bed and found herself not able to resist the urge to reach out and touch the blonde's hand.

As she did so Amanda flinched and shrugged back in surprise. Judging by the look on her face Olivia could tell that her shoulder was hurting her from the startled movement. "Hey," Liv soothed and again placed her hand on the one laying on top of Amanda's stomach. "It's just me. You're okay." brown eyes full of empathy and concern focused on Amanda's pale and tired features.

Shifting slightly in the bed the blonde managed to sit up a bit. "Hi." she said confusion evident. "What are you doing here?"

The older woman sighed but didn't let her emotions show. "I'm here because I was worried about you. We all were, and I still am. Amanda, what you did was..." Liv shook her head, trying to come up with appropriate words to make Amanda see how reckless her actions had been. However she didn't have to worry about it since the blonde decided to speak.

"I know, it was a stupid, idiotic and a totally fucked up thing to do. I... I don't know what I was thinking and I apologize, I really am sorry. It won't happen again, sarge. I promise."

"Damn right it won't." Liv finally snapped. "From now on you're on early maternity leave. No desk duty, no filing papers and not even a phone call. You're on bed rest from this very second. That's an order."

Amanda looked at her sargeant and couldn't help but to feel ashamed of what she had done and seeing Liv angry and disappointed with her was almost too much."I'm sorry." she mumbled, trying not to let the tears show as they slowly began filling her eyes. Turning her head she hoped that Liv wouldn't notice.

She did notice but decided not to make a big deal out f it, knowing that Amanda would get self conscious and embarrassed. The older woman bit her lip and closed her eyes briely in an attempt to calm down. "I know you are." she said softly. "Can you tell me why you did it? What was going through your head when you decided to throw yourself in front of a bullet?" Olivia really wanted to know and understand why the blonde had acted the way she did. What makes a person so irresponsible, so reckless, so impulsively stupid, so... so... so protective and loyal? Amanda was a mix of all of these traits and it confused the brunette.

Amanda shrugged but regretted it when a stabbing pain shot through her shoulder. Liv placed a hand on her knee. "Easy, just relax."

The blonde looked down at the strong hand resting on her leg. Her stomach made a flip from the electric contact, her skin tingling from the touch. Suddenly she pulled her leg to the side to avoid any more physical altercations. She didn't trust herself or her body at this moment.

Sensing that Amanda was uncomfortable from the touch she pulled her hand away but still stayed close. "Can you tell me why, Amanda?" she gently urged once again.

Blue eyes didn't know where to focus. Her gaze flickered across the room until she finally lowered her head, spotting a loose thread sicking out from the hospital blanket and began twirling it around her finger. "I... I don't know." she said so softly it was almost a whisper. "I... I guess I wasn't thinking I just reacted. I know it sounds like a lame excuse but... that's what happened."

The brunette witnessed a stray tear fall from a pale cheekbone and onto the sheets, creating a tiny wet circle on her hospital gown. "Did you ever stop and think about the baby?" Liv asked gently, keeping her tone low and soft to not sound threatening.

The blonde stopped playing with the piece of thread and got a distant look on her face. She was quiet for about a minute before she opened her mouth to speak. "I... I wasn't... I didn't... I mean I didn't think... I..." her voice failed and reality and truth kicked in. "Oh my god!" she said in shock, closing her eyes she began rocking slightly back and forth. "The baby! My baby! How could I do that to my own baby? What kind of a person am I? Who does that to their own child?" she bagan to rant and continued her rocking motion. It was like everything around her disappeared and she was trapped in a dark whole trying to get out. She was experiencing tunnel vision.

The brunette watched as Amanda headed closer to the edge of a panic attack. Her anger and frustration was taken over by sympathy and patience. She sat down at the side of the bed and took a hold of Amanda's free arm and held her hand firmly, letting her thumb stroke the bony knuckles. "Easy. Breath with me, Amanda. Slow breaths, in and out. You're okay, you're okay." by repeating those words over and over she could see the blonde starting to calm down. "Why don't you lay back down and try to get some rest? You're okay, the baby is okay and everything is gonna be okay." she soothed.

Amanda came back to the present surroundings and looked Liv straight in the eye, shame creeping up on her face. "I'm sorry, I... I..."

"Stop it, honey." the brunette spoke gently, the endearment slipped but Amanda barely noticed it in her shaken state. "Don't apologize. It's okay, Amanda. It's okay." her hand was still holding onto a trembling smaller one and gripped it tighter when she saw a shiver go threw the blonde's frame.

"It's not okay." Amanda whispred, her now brimming eyes looking off into the distance, not really focusing on anything.

Olivia brought the blanket up to the blonde's chin while still holding her hand comfortingly. "Then we'll make it okay." she said in such a soft and soothing voice that Amanda almost believed her.


	5. Chapter 5

I See You

Chapter 5

 _"We'll make it ok..."_

Olivia's words echoed in her mind long after the detective had left the hospital. Amanda had been very uncomfortable with her boss being so close, even holding her hand, that all she wanted was the ground to open up and swallow her whole. She could still feel the touch of her sergeant's hand and it caused shivers to crawl down her spine. Looking at the hand Olivia had held so softly, but yet so firmly, she flexed her fingers, turning her hand around in every angle, intensely studying it.

Her skin tingled and burned as she couldn't shake the feeling off her superior officer's touch. Her feelings confused her. One minute she was extremely uncomfortable and embarrassed in Liv's presence and other times she found herself appreciating her company and proximity, almost needing it, craving it. Why was that? Why did she feel so strange around her and why was it making her so frustrated? Or was it Olivia that made her feel that way?

Groaning she leaned back against the pillow and closed her eyes but snapped them back open again as the image of a certain brunette came into view. "You know you gotta close your eyes to actually get some sleep right?" Fin popped his head through the doorway.

"Fin, what are you doing here?" she asked as she shifted around, feeling the cool bed sheets underneath her soft skin.

"What? I can't come and see how my partner is doing?" he walked in and handed her a paper cup and a brown paper bag. "Don't worry it's not coffee. I got you a hot chocolate with extra marshmallows and some more chocolate treats in the bag. I know your cravings by now, Rollins."

Amanda gave him a weak smile and accepted the gifts and took a big swallow of the warm cocoa. "Thanks, you didn't have to do that."

"Yeah, I kind of did. It's the least I could do." he sighed and sat down on the chair that Liv had previously occupied. "Manda, what you did was..."

"Stop it Fin, please. I already had this conversation with Liv and I don't feel like being yelled at right now. I know it was stupid but I honestly wasn't thinking straight, I just reacted. Can we just please leave it at that?"

Pursing his lips Fin thought about it and saw that Amanda looked really tired and decided to drop it. "Okay... for now."

Amanda glared at him but didn't speak. A silence filled the room and they were both left in their own thoughts for awhile. Rollins gently flexed her fingers again, feeling a warmth spread across her body, settling in her stomach and lingered. All because of a touch from a person she tried to keep her distance from, a person she looked up to and admired, a person who was way out of her league.

Fin raised his eyebrows in a questioning manner. "Is your hand okay? You counting your fingers? They're all there right?" he joked, trying to make his partner feel more at ease. Amanda just rolled her eyes. "What's going on Amanda? You're acting weird. Did something happen?" the tough looking detective leaned forward in the chair to get a better look at his partner's face.

"Nothing happened Fin. I'm okay, you're okay and Emily is okay. We're all okay." she simply stated but her voice lacking in confidence.

"Are you? Are you really okay?" her partner wondered.

"Jesus!" Amanda said firmly with annoyance evident in her voice. "What are you, my mother? I'm fine." knowing her partner she knew that Fin was not gonna let this one slide. Maybe for now but he would definitely bring it up in the near future. He was a man true to his words.

"If you say so." he said calmly, "Just know that I'm here, partner." he placed a hand on Amanda's calf, giving it a gentle tug. "I've gotta go. Liv will have my ass if I stay any longer. She's making me fill out all the paperwork on this case and the... shooting." the last word was said in a more quiet tone almost as if he was afraid of saying it out loud. "There's some papers you gotta fill in too about... Josh and... you know, the..."

"It's okay, Fin. You don't have to be so weary of your words. I shot him and, yes I killed him, but he's not the first man I've killed and I'm sure he won't be my last. Don't walk on eggshells around me, Fin. Don't make things awkward. You're my partner. My tough, scary and protective partner that is really just as soft as a teddy bear." she smiled and batted her eyelashes, seeing her partner smile back.

"Don't you dare tell anyone, Rollins." he said seriously but with a hint of a smile.

When Fin was gone and she was left alone in a small, white, boring and clinical hospital room, she began to fidget with the bed sheets and she turned restless. She wanted out of there. It felt like the walls were closing in on her, causing the room to become even smaller, but she knew it was only in her mind and that it would be technically impossible for the walls to actually move. Sighing, she closed her eyes and tried not to focus on her surroundings but on work instead. Work had always been her sanctuary and a place to hide and disappear. It kept her thoughts focused and grounded, her peronal feelings and emotions to a minimum and she could just disappear from herself for a while. She was never any good at being on her own. It always led to unwanted thoughts and complicated feelings that, even Amanda herself, could not figure out or put a name to. Keeping busy had always been her best medication and therapy and laying in a hospital bed, physically restricted and an emotional wreck was not a good thing. She didn't know what to do with herself.

Eventually she drifted off to sleep due to another dose of pain relief the nurse administered.

"Fin, can I see you in my office for a minute?" Olivia had a fresh cup of coffee steaming in her hands as she passed Fin sitting by his desk. His eyes travelled along the room with his sergeant's strides and prepared himself for the worst.

He sat down across from his boss. "What's up, Liv?"

The brunette placed her cup on a coaster that was always positioned on her right hand side. "I'm not gonna start on you, telling you what a stupid decision you did by going into a hostage situation unarmed because you already know that. I'm here to talk about your partner."

Fin frowned. "Amanda?" he asked confused, not sure where this was going.

Liv nodded. "Yes, when I went to the hospital to see her I got the feeling that something was not right. She seemed a bit... I don't know, a bit off. Has she said anything to you? Has she been talking to you about what's bothering her? Especially after everything that has happened with her family. Is there something I should know about?" she raised her eyebrows firmly as to show her detective that there was no use to try and hide any secrets from her.

Sighing, he slumped further down into the chair he was sitting in and looked up at his boss. "I got the same feeling when I saw her earlier today." Fin said in a defeated tone. "She was acting strange. She kept trying to push me away and, I know that that's normal behaviour coming from Rollins, but there was something else, something I can't figure out. I asked her about it but she simply brushed it off."

Liv pursed her lips thinking about her conversation with the blonde earlier that day. "Okay, thanks Fin. Keep me posted, will you?"

Fin got up from his chair, headed towards the door but stopped and turned around. "If Rollins tells me something in confidence I'm not going to break that trust. She'd never speak to me again."

Liv held her hands up. "I'm not asking you to break her trust, just let me know if there's anything I can do to help. Knowing Rollins she's not gonna talk to anybody about what's bothering her. I just hope she feels safe enough to tell someone, rather than nobody at all." she sighed sadly.

Fin looked slightly confused as to why his sargeant was suddenly so interested in his partner's behaviour but knew better than to ask her about it. "Rollins is Rollins," Fin stated, "she'll be fine, she's tough."

After the senior detective left her office, she sat down in a resigned manner. "You can't be tough all the time." she whispered into the empty room, making her voice sound ghost like and distant. Something was up with her young detective and she was now making it her mission to find out what was going on. She felt bad for not being thre for Amanda previously when her family had caused her hassle and when she had been in trouble with her bookie for not paying off her gambling debt. She realised that the young blond was alone, estranged from her family and pregnant. She wanted to make it up to her, she wanted to make things right by being there for her now, to show her that she wasn't alone and that the squad was her family and had always been.

Being pregnant was something Olivia couldn't relate to. She had never been pregnant but she did have an adopted two year old son, Noah, so she had quite a bit of experience when it came to babies and young children. The brunette got a sudden strong urge to help the blonde through this pregnancy and even after the baby was born she wanted to be there for her. Things had to change between them and Olivia was determined to make Amanda trust and open up to her even thogh she knew it was going to be a struggle. The blonde didn't trust or open up to anybody, not even Fin, so asking her to trust Olivia would be near impossible but she had enough trust in herself to see this through. This was important to her and she was willing to do anything to make it happen.


	6. Chapter 6

I See You

Chapter 6

"I'm telling you I'm fine! Look, you want me on bed rest, fine, I can get bed rest at home, in my own bed, in my own clean bed sheets, in my own apartment."

Liv could hear two voices arguing as she walked down the corridor towards Amanda's room. She recognized the blonde's voice but the male voice was unfamiliar to her. As she came closer to the door she realised that it was Rollins doctor, trying to convince her to stay in the hospital for another couple of days but Amanda was being stubborn as usual.

"I'm going home and that's final. You can't keep me here. I'll discharge myself AMA. I know my rights."

Liv stepped into the room as as the doctor scratched his head in frustration. "What's going on?" she simply asked even though she knew very well what was happening.

"My doctor here, is trying to make me stay for another few days even though I'm fine." Amanda snapped, irritated that her boss decided to show up at this exact moment.

"Ms Rollins, I understand your frustration but as your doctor I..."

"Frustration?" Amanda snapped again, "I'm not frustrated, I'm angry, there's a big difference. Now, I'm telling you once more, I. Am. Fine." she hissed between her teeth.

Olivia gave the doctor an apologetic look as he passed her out and disappeared down the corridor with defeated steps. The brunette turned towards her detective and saw how tired, pale, angry, sad and loney she appeared. A hospital was a place to make someone better, a place for treatment, healing and rest but taking in the state of the blonde, it didn't seem to apply in her case. She honestly looked worse than when she first was admitted.

"You don't like hospitals very much, do you?" Olivia asked her gently as she approached the bed where Amanda was sitting, propped up against the pillows, her right hand resting on her stomach.

She glared at her boss. "Who does?" she grumbled but instanty regretted it as she knew that none of this was her fault and that she was already walking on thin ice when it came to Olivia's trust and judgement. "Sorry." she whispered and looked down at her hand that was resting on her big belly.

"It's okay." Liv said and shrugged her shoulders. "I know what this place can do to you if you stay here long enough. It gets boring, lonely and even the room seems to get smaller by the hour but, trust me, it's for your own good. We're all just trying to help you."

The blonde rolled her eyes but had her head turned slightly away from Olivia so the gesture went unnoticed. "I don't need help. I can look after myself."

"Says the girl with a hole in her side and a dislocated shoulder." The older woman slowly sat down on the plastic chair, waiting for some kind of reply from the injured woman but nothing was said. Liv sighed and glanced at the blonde who was doing everything in her power to not make eye contact with her boss.

"Amanda, will you please look at me?" Liv gently urged. The blonde reluctantly turned her head towards Olivia, made a two second eye contact before she again tore her gaze away. "Why are you making this so difficult, Amanda? We only want to help you. I want to help you. Believe it or not but we actually do care about you. Why won't you let us help you?" Liv's heart ached for the blonde who sat, looking so lost and hurt, in the big bed. She fought the urge to take a hold of Amanda's hand and hold on tight and not let go but she knew that the contact would not be appreciated. Instead she moved the chair closer to the bed, instantly making the younger woman unsettled. Olivia didn't care.

"Amanda, say something? Please?! I need to know what you're thinking."

Amanda turned quickly, causing her side and shoulder to sting but ignored the pain as her anger was stronger. "What do you want me to say, Liv?" she snapped, "what am I suppose to say? That I'm grateful to you all for having my back? That I appreciate you caring and showing concern for me? Is that what you want to hear? You want some kind of praise or reward for pretending to be kind and worried about me? What do you want from me Olivia? What do you want?" tears pricked her blue eyes but, just like the pain from her injuries, she ignored them too.

It hurt Olivia to hear that Amanda couldn't trust or lean on anybody but herself and that she honestly thought that people wanted something from her in return. She knew Amanda's childhood hadn't been easy, not easy at all, but she was surprised when Amanda clearly thought that nobody cared or wanted to help without wanting something for it.

"I don't want or need anything in return, Amanda. It's what friends and family do when someone needs help, if they're in trouble or just want to talk." she watched as the blonde shook her head in disbelief but Olivia continued before Amanda got a word in. "I know you don't trust people and specially not me and I don't blame you for that. I was horrible to you when you first joined our team and I'm so sorry for that. If I could take it back I would. I was going through a hard time myself with my partner leaving and that is no excuse, I know that. I dealt with things the wrong way and instead of listening to my captain and my friends and colleagues, I found my own way of coping with things. Looking back I realise how incredibly wrong and small minded I was."

Liv paused, swallowed and gently reached out to take Amanda's hand in hers to make her understand that she ment every word she was saying. The gestured was not welcomed and the blonde flinched as she felt Olivia's hand brush against hers but she didn't pull away completely. As long delicate fingers wrapped themselves around her bony frail ones, she felt the warmth penetrate her skin and her stomach fluttered. She wanted to pull away but found that she was frozen in place from the soft touch.

Liv continued. "I deeply regret how I handled things back then, especially with you, and I would do anything to make it undone. I was rude, unwelcoming and cold towards you and there's no words, no excuse, for my behaviour. I only wish and hope that you will forgive me? I am really sorry and, no matter what you think, I am here for you for whatever you need and I don't expect anything from you in return. Will you give me a chance?"

It all sounded like she was asking her lover for forgivness and not a friend. It sounded a bit too intimate but Olivia didn't pay too much attention to it. Instead she squeezed the small hand she was still holding, waiting for Amanda to say or do something. When nothing was done or said, Olivia scooted even closer to get a better view of her colleague. To her surprise she saw tears rolling down pale cheeks and how Amanda's shoulders began to shake. Feeling a empathetic tug in her chest, she swiftly sat down on the side of the bed, facing Amanda and gently, as not to cause pain to her wounds, she brought her in for a hug.

Amanda didn't return it. Instead she stiffened in the embrace and went completely ridgid, only her breathing was laboured and strained and Olivia realised that she was trying not to cry or break down in front of her. It broke her heart to see her friend like this and all she wanted to do was to take all her pain away. She began rubbing a hand up and down her back in a soothing motion, feeling how tense the woman really was as she did so.

"Relax, Amanda. It's okay, just take a breath and try to calm down. Shhh, it's okay to cry. Don't be ashamed for feeling what you're feeling. They are just feelings and they can't hurt you. Just accept them and acknowledge them. I'm right here, just relax. Shhh."

Her words didn't seem to have any affect as the blonde was still struggling not to cry, her body shaking from the effort. Liv shifted even closer, bringing her hand up and pulled Amanda's head into the crock of her neck. "Just let go." she whispered into a nearby ear.

At those words Amanda finally broke and her whole body shook but from release this time. The pain in her shoulder and side was nothing compared to the emotional pain she was feeling and she had to bite down on her tongue to stiffle a scream from escaping her throat. She desperately clung to the back of Olivia's shirt, gathering the material up in her hands causing it to wrinkle but she didn't care. She was ashamed for crying and showing weakness in front of her superior but the feeling of safetiness and comfort crept upon her and, just for a moment, those feelings outweighed the embarrassing ones.

She couldn't remember the last time anyone had held her like Liv was holding her now and she couldn't help but to feel some sort of peace and calm in her boss's arms. She knew it was inappropriate to feel what she felt but there was one part of her that allowed for those emotions to appear. The inevitable kicked in, the thought and feelings she had previously pushed aside and ignored were now surfacing. She didn't want to admit it but it had become quite obvious lately that she liked her boss and, not just as a colleague or a friend, but as something more than that.

Thinking back she thought of how much Liv use to annoy her sometimes, just by a look, and how she would tingle, flinch or tremble every time the brunette came in physical contact with her. It was all connected and relative of what she felt. She could barely be in the same room as Olivia without feeling small, unimportant or useless. The brunette had it all according to Amanda. Her dream job, a great career, a son, a beautiful and rather expensive apartment, kindness, firmness, a fierce temper when needed be and last but not least... her looks and her figure. Amanda had always been slight jealous of her boss for achieving so much and for appearing so seemingly perfect. She had great respect for Olivia and wouldn't purposely do anything to make her boss believe otherwise.

As ashemed as she was at this moment she couldn't help but allow her strange and confusing feelings towards Olivia to take over and she burried herself deeper into the warm strong embrace and couldn't help but to let out a weak whimper.

Olivia heard the tiny noise coming from the woman in her arms and she felt a tear of her own trickle down her cheek. "Oh, sweetheart." she gently whispered. "It's okay. Everything is going to be okay." after a few minutes Amanda's grasp on her shirt had lessen significantly and she was surprised when shr realised that the blonde had fallen into an exhausted sleep.

She lowered her body onto the soft sheets, wiped the tears of her face, sat down in the chair but never let go of Amanda's hand.


	7. Chapter 7

I See You

Chapter 7

Amanda woke from an unusual unsettling and fluttering sensation coming from her stomach. Shifting uncomfortably in the bed she slowly managed to push herself up into a half sitting position. It was not until then she realised that Olivia, her boss and sargeant, was still by her side, slumped in the plastic chair fast asleep. There it was again, the strange feeling coming and going in closer intervals. The baby was kicking.

She had felt the baby kick before on several occasions but this time it was stronger and more persistant. Almost like a repeated knock on a door, waiting for someone to open it. Again it kicked and she couldn't help but to gasp and let out a shuddering breath. Sitting up fully she placed her hands on her belly and tried to locate where exactly the baby was kicking.

"What's wrong? You okay?" Olivia woke up as the blonde shifted in the sheets and instantly got concerned as she saw Amanda cradling her stomach, breathing heavily.

"Yeah," she answered with a shaky voice, "the baby is kicking like crazy."

Sitting up fully alert, Olivia placed her hand close to Amanda's and gasped as she instantly felt a strong nudge underneath her palm. "Wow, that's... wow!" Olivia was never one lost for words. She always knew what to say when appropriate and always made people, especially victims, feel better about themselves and give them some sort of self esteem back, but feeling a baby kick, a small tiny little person that still grew inside her friend's stomach, was just simply amazing.

Amanda shifted uncomfortably as another kick assaulted her insides. "Wow, is right." the blonde stated dryly, feeling her belly twist and turn causing her to hiss in slight pain.

Olivia squeezed Amanda's hand and stood up. "I'm gonna get your doctor just to make sure everything is alright. I'll be right back, okay?" she waited for the blonde's response before she headed out. Only two minutes had passed when the brunette came back with a nurse in tow.

"I hear you're experiencing some discomfort Ms Rollins. I'd like to do an ultrasound just to have a quick look but I'm sure everything is as it should be. Sometimes when babies kick it can cause slight pain and it can feel very unsettling, although I believe that things are perfectly normal and that your baby is just being restless and bored." the nurse appeared friendly enough and it put Amanda slightly at ease.

When the cool gel was applied on her warm skin she couldn't help but to tremble from the cold sensation and when the nurse began to poke and prod around her swollen stomach Amanda gripped the sheets tightly.

Her boss sensed her discomfort and gently took one hand into her own and held it there, unconsciously rubbing her thumb soothingly over white knuckles.

"Well," the nurse began, "everything looks normal. Your fluids are fine, the baby's position is fine and her heartbeat is nice and strong."

Raising her eyebrows in chock, Amanda turned towards the nurse who was now wiping the gel off her belly. "She?" the blonde said in a whisper. "It's a... girl?"

The scrub clad woman placed a hand over her mouth and her eyes went wide. "Oh my god! I'm so sorry. I thought you knew the sex already, I... I'm so so sorry, I assumed that..."

Amamda raised her hand to make the woman stop talking. "It's okay." she stated quietly, "it's... fine. Thank you for the check up." Her words were quiet but ber tone was firm, letting the nurse know that to leave the room would probably be a good idea. Once they were alone Amanda found her eyes glued to her protruding midsection. A girl! A baby girl! She was having a girl! Her mind was racing but her body was almost frozen in position. The news had come so abruptly and unexpectedly that it took time for Amanda's brain to actually process what was happening and what she had just found out.

"Amanda?" Olivia spoke gently, leaning forward to try and make eye contact. "You okay?" Nothing. "Please say something!"

Blue teary eyes met brown as she tried to blink them away. "It's a girl."

Olivia gave her a small smile. "Yeah." she whispered, feeling her eyes sting from emotion.

"It's a girl." Amanda repeated, "I'm having a baby girl." she didn't know what to believe. A little girl was growing inside of her and in that moment it was like she truly understood and realised that she was becoming a mother. It all suddenly became real, almost too real for Amanda, and she couldn't stop the tears flowing from her eyes. "What am I getting myself into? What was I thinking?" she whispered in a broken tone. "I can't do this."

Olivia frowned in concern. Was Amanda having second thoughts? Did she not want to keep the baby? Did she regret not having an abortion? She didn't know but that's what it sounded like. "Amanda," she soothed and placed a hand on the blonde's upper arm, "I believe in you. We all do and whatever you decide to do we will always support you. We won't judge you or think any less of you based on your desicions. We're family and family always stick together, especially my squad. We're all here to help you and to make things easier for you. Don't ever forget or doubt that."

Blue scared eyes looked at her, brimming with new unshed tears that were threatening to fall. She wanted to believe Liv, she really did, but a part of her didn't even trust her own judgement so trusting someone else was even more difficult. Her skin tingled underneath Olivia's touch and she fought against the sensation. "Family, uh?"

Smiling, Liv removed her hand and gently wiped at the tears as they silently rolled down pale cheeks. "Yes, family." she repeated in a soft voice, emphasising the word 'family'to make the meaning of it sound more enlarged and real.

Amanda couldn't resist the urge and leaned into the touch of Olivia's hand on her face. Only when she realised her action she pulled away abruptly and straightened herself up a bit. "Thanks, um... you don't have to stay. I mean... I'm okay and I know you're busy so... um, I'll be okay. You should go." she stuttered and mumbled nervously, blushing from Liv's sudden affection.

Olivia raised her eyebrows in amusement but not so the blonde could see. She saw the flushed face but decided not to take it any further. Then her facial features changed into one of concern. Did Amanda really feel ashamed for showing emotion and vulnerability? Did she not want Olivia, or anybody else for that matter, to see her at a weak point in her life? It was only human and natural after all, to feel fragile and breakable sometimes. Amanda however didn't feel comfortable showing these kind of emotions around anybody and Liv had noticed that on their very first case together. Back then she was dealing with her own emotions and heartbreak over her partner leaving the squad and was in no mood to get involved with someone else's private problems, especially not a newbie. Boy, did she regret it now. What type of image was that sending out to other officers and detectives who was eager and willing to learn.

What had Amanda endured growing up? How difficult, twisted and dark had her childhood really been? Olivia needed and wanted answers. Sighing she dicided not to push or annoy the woman any further. "I know you'll be okay, Amanda and I'm never too busy for anyone in my squad, _including_ you." again she emphasized the word 'including'. "I'll leave you alone for now but I'll be back later on to check on you whether you like it or not."

The blonde sighed and rolled her eyes away from her boss. She didn't want to bother anyone by them having to visit just to see if she's doing okay. She felt like a burden and an inconvenience and hated all the attention she got from everyone. She didn't need it, didn't want it and didn't ask for it. Her mixed feelings towards Olivia was beginning to frustrate her even more. Even though she felt all these things, she still couldn't help but to feel drawn to her sargeant and, strangely enough, missing her presence when she wasn't around. It was all so mind wrecking and emotionally exhausting to have those kind of feelings for the gorgeous brunette, when all she wanted was to be left alone in her own misery and wallow in her pathetic sadness.

When Liv disappeared out the door she immediately missed Olivia's proximity, her voice, her kind nature and even her touch. "Stop it!" she firmly scolded herself. Sighing, she dropped back against the cushions and placed her good arm prospectively around her midsection. "What am I gonna do?" she whispered into the quiet room as if she was expecting an answer.

"How is she doing, sarge?" Fin gently prodded as he headed into Liv's office with a stack of finished paperwork.

The brunette placed them on her desk so she could sign them off before being stored and archived accordingly. "Honestly, I don't know." she sighed and leaned back into her leather chair. "She seems pretty unsure and unsettled with herself, which I can undertand to a point, and she's already given her doctor a long speech about not wanting to stay in the hospital but I think she realised that staying would be better for her and the baby." she paused briefly, "She seems... I don't know... distant perhaps, maybe confused and scared about the situation she's in."

Fin nodded. "I get that." he genuinely stated.

"Sounds like you're speaking from your own personal experience." Liv said smiling, "were you ever pregnant?" she joked, placing her glasses firmly on her nose.

"Thank god no!" Fin said, holding his hands up in the air. "I believe that would be physically and anatomically impossible, sarge." he took a step closer to his boss's desk. "You seeing her later tonight?"

Olivia nodded. "Yeah, I was gonna pop down after I finish up my papers but since you, ever so kindly added to my steadily growing mountain of it, I'll be stuck here for another bit." a grin was evident on her face and Fin took no offence knowing that the brunette was not serious.

"Hey, just doing my job, sarge. Give her my best."


	8. Chapter 8

I See You

Chapter 8

Olivia exited her car, grabbed the brown paper bag of Chinese take away and headed towards Amanda's room. It was dark and chilly in the air. The ground was wet, her feet making splashing noises as Liv picked up her speed trying to get away from the cold.

She made her way down the corridor, flashed a few smiles to nurses and doctors she had met numerous times before, unfortunately during horrible circumstances. Reaching the blonde's room she knocked on the door, that was already slightly open, and stepped inside.

Her heart stopped for a fraction of a second as she saw rhe empty bed in front of her, a nurse getting ready to set up the heart monitor for the next patient. "Excuse me?!" Liv said with chock and concern on her face. "Where's Amanda Rollins?" the nurse looked confused. "The blonde pregnant woman who was staying in this room? Where is she?" she demanded.

The nurse shrugged. "Her doctor discharged her a few hours ago. Well... I think she kind of discharged herself AMA. Seemed very adamant to get out of here."

Liv barely heard to the last words that were spoken as she turned and almost ran back outside and into her car. "Damn Amanda. Why do you have to be so stubborn?"

She found herself stepping on the accelerator more than usual and almost broke several speed limits before she finally came to her senses. Amanda was probably fine. Why was she so worried about the blonde? She was an adult after all and allowed to make her own decisions. Still, there was something that didn't feel right to the brunette and the urge to get to her friend was almost overwhelming.

At last she pulled up in front of Amanda's apartment building and quickly got out, food in hand. It was raining slighty but enough to get Olivia's hair and coat damp. She didn't bother to wait for the elevator and instead took the stairs to the forth floor and rang the doorbell as she tried to shake off the excess water. She could hear shuffling from behind the door before it fully opened. A confused and tired looking blonde stood in her pyjamas and robe looking at her boss like she had three heads.

"Liv! What... um, what are you doing here?" she asked and winched at the pain in her side. Her shoulder was sore but bearable thanks to the pain killers she was given. Too bad they didn't have the same affect on her side but she was greatful that it at least took the edge off.

"I went to the hospital and you weren't there. They said you discharged yourself against medical advice. I got worried and wanted to make sure you're okay." she said in a rush, still slightly breathless from all the stairs she just climbed. she held the bag out, "I brought dinner!"

Amanda instantly felt guilty for worrying Olivia and for having her driving all the way to her place. "You didn't have to do that. Shouldn't do that." she corrected, "I'm fine... really."

"Amanda," Liv said softly and gently pushed her way inside, not wanting to hear any excuses or lies. "You're not fine. You can barely walk straight and I can see that you're in pain. You should be at the hospital where they can keep an eye on you and give you the care that you need. Why did you leave?" Olivia wasn't mad, she just wanted some answers as to why she left so abruptly without telling anyone.

Sighing, Amanda stepped aside and let Liv fully in to her apartment, not wanting to be rude. "I don't need to be in a hospital. Its just a dislocated shoulder and a flesh wound, nothing serious. I've had worse." she bagan walking towards the sittingroom and sat down on a high stool since the sofa was too low down for her to get up and down on.

"Still," Liv chipped in, "I'd prefer if you had stayed where there are people to look after you. What about the baby? You say you're fine but what if the baby isn't?"

Amanda watched Liv's worried face as she took a step closer to where she was sitting. "The baby is fine, sarge. You were there yourself when they examined me. There's nothing to worry about so neither should you."

Olivia sighed. She didn't know what to say or do to talk some sense into the blonde but she knew she would be waisting her breath. Holding the paper bag out for Amanda to see, she raised her eyebrows, "Dinner?"

The chinese was consumed in thirty minutes with some light conversation and a few laughs. They had never spent time together outside of the precinct before. It was always business and strictly professional between the two but they were both pleasantly surprised by how well they got along. Amanda was relieved and greatful that her boss was so outspoken and comfortable enough to talk a bit about her private life and things that had happened in her past, so she didn't have to. Amanda however shared very little about herself and only answering questions when asked.

Olivia thought that if she opened up, then Amanda would feel more at ease and maybe share something about herself but she had been wrong and it made her sad and worried at the same time. Trust was obviously not Amanda's thing.

It was getting late and Liv reluctantly began to get her things together. Lucy, her babysitter, was once again working overtime. "I've got to get home to Noah." she stated as she slid her now dry coat on. "I know that you're not gonna like this idea but I'm gonna throw it out there anyways," Amanda frowned as Liv continued, "you're more than welcome to stay at my place until you feel better. Just until you can move around more easily."

She was right. Amanda immediately shook her head but managed to smile weakly. "You're right, I don't like it." she said, trying to make a joke out of it, brushing the seriousness away as a defense mechanism.

Liv pursed her lips and thought for a second. "Will you at least think about it?" she finally asked, hopefull.

"I'll let you know in a couple of days." the blonde answered with a grin.

Now it was Olivia's turn to frown. "But... in a couple of days you'll feel better anyway?" it was more of a statement than a question.

"Exactly." Amanda mused, proud of getting herself out of the situation.

Liv wouldn't leave until Amanda promised to call if she needed anything, no matter what time it was. She had stiffened up when Liv surprisingly pulled her in for a gentle but awkward hug, due to her injuries. Now, it was like her body was frozen in place as she still could feel those arms around her even though Liv was gone. Her heart had rapidly picked up speed when those strong arms had encircled her. Her smell lingered in the air and Amanda found herself with her eyes closed and a faint smile on her lips as she inhaled the brunette's shampoo deeply. It was a comforting and soothing smell. A smell of fruit or flowers mixed with vanilla and something that Amanda couldn't put her finger on but it didn't matter, the scent was still intoxicating and vibrant, almost like a drug that she craved.

Amanda struggled to keep herself busy. It was hard doing the simplest of tasks with only one hand and a sore side. She knew that Olivia had been right about staying at her place for a while but the thought of giving in to that weakness and dependency was incredibly off-putting. She would never admit to her sargeant that she needed help. Her thoughts were confusing her. One minute she wanted to be next to the brunette, just to feel her presence, and the next minute the thought of Olivia being near her, helping her, seeing how pitiful she really was, scared her.

When situatuons like these occured the blonde would usually take to alcohol. A drink or two would always numb her senses, feelings and emotions. Being pregnant restricted her from doing just that and she didn't know how to cope or keep her mind distracted. It was infuriating, frustrating and at the same time she wanted Olivia here, in her apartment, next to her, feeling those strong arms around her again.

Angrily she kicked her laundry basket and rubbed her good hand over her face, still flinching from the pain that was a constant reminder of what she had done. What had she been thinking? Throwing herself in front of a bullet while being seven months pregnant! Who would do that? What mother would do that to their own child? Who would purposely put their children in harms way?

"God, I'm so stupid!" she whispered to herself, feeling her tears starting to roll down her cheeks. "I can't do this. What was I thinking? I'm not fit to be a mother! What am I doing?" Amanda continued to ramble the same sentences over and over again until she felt herself getting dizzy. _Okay,_ she thought, _calm down. You're gonna make yourself pass out. Breath! Just breathe!_ Closing her eyes she tried to focus on her breathing and found herself calming down slightly. After a few minutes the dizziness passed and she gulped down a glass of cool water, trying to wash away the lump of emotions that had been forming in her throat.

She turned the tv on, hoping to find something interesting to watch to keep her mind of things. To her relief a documentary about tigers was playing on the discovery channel. She had always been facinated and drawn to big cats and especially tigers. She got as comfortable as she could, wrapped a blanket around her shoulders and rubbed her growing belly before turning her full attention towards the tv.

Half an hour later her eyes began to droop. She was just about to turn the tv off when the doorbell rang. Sighing, she slowly got up and looked through the peep hole. It was Fin. Before opening the door she had a quick look in the mirror. Her eyes were red and puffy, her complexion pale and her whole posture looked sumped. She straightened herself up and wiped at her face, making her appearance more presentable.

She swung the door open and plastred a faint smile on her lips. "Fin, what are you doing here?"


	9. Chapter 9

I See You

Chapter 9

The two detectives were sitting quietly by Amanda's kitchen table drinking a non alcoholic champagne that Fin had brought with him to cheer his partner up a bit. The blonde was running her index finger along the rim of her glass to keep her fidgety fingers occupied.

Fin was no fool. He could see the redness in his partner's eyes, the dark circles under them, the ashen look on her face and her exhausted and painful posture. He knew she was playing it down and putting on an act to convince him that she was fine. Working with her every day for almost five years he could easily see through her charade. "What's going on, Amanda?"

The blonde put on a pretend frown of confusion. "What do you mean? Everything is fine." she said without looking up from her beverage.

Fin sighed and leaned forward in his chair to make her blue eyes focus on his. "Don't pull that crap with me, Manda. I know something's up. Wanna talk about it?"

Amanda thought for a minute. She knew her partner and didn't blame him for wanting to help but talking about her whole situation would make it awkward and uncomfortable. She was lost in her thoughts but snapped back to reality when she heard Fin's voice, "if it takes you so long to think about it I'm gonna take that as a yes. Come on, out with it!" he added with a grin causing the blonde to copy it half heartedly.

"I'm just... I suppose I'm worried." her voice was low, barely a whisper.

Fin shifted in his seat and listened closely. "About?"

She inhaled deeply before continuing in a stronger tone. "This," she waved her good hand over her stomach area, "the baby, my job, my life. How everything is gonna change."

Fin studied his partner, thinking about what to say. It was a tricky situation for him to be in. What do you say to a pregnant woman who just risked her life for you and all he wanted was offer some support and comfort. Finally he thought about something that someone told him once. "Amanda, nothing changes except what has to."

The blonde looked up. "When did you become all philosophical?"

He grinned and took a sip of his champange. "Believe it or not but someone once told me the same thing."

"Who?" Amanda wanted to know.

"Liv." he simply responded. "And I've worked so many years with her that I know by now that she's always right. She's a smart woman that one." he winked at his partner and topped up her glass with the fizzy drink. Amanda continued the silence, thinking about what Fin had just said. It made sense, in a way. Things do change, that was inevitable. Nothing can stay the same for ever even though sometimes we wish that it could.

"She does care about you, you know... Liv, I mean. She's very good at reading people."

Amanda snorted and rolled her eyes. "Yeah, I know. You can't even scratch your arse cause she'll know about it." she said in an amused tone and couldn't help but to smile as she thought about the gorgeous brunette.

Her partner laughed and noticed the grin spreading across the blonde's face. "Amen to that, partner." he raised his glass and Amanda followed suit.

"She was here, you know. Just before you showed up." she had gone back to avoiding eye contact and again began playing with the rim of her glass.

"Is that why you'd been crying?"

She snapped her head up. "I wasn't crying. I'm just... tired, I guess. You know, all the hormonal stuff that comes with being pregnant." she hoped Fin would leave it at that. She hated being vulnerable around her partner, or anyone for that matter. She was really exhausted and Fin could see that but he didn't believe that that was the reason her eyes were so red and puffy. He could easily tell that she had been crying but decided not to push.

"Okay." he finished his drink in one swallow. "You should get some rest then. You've had a rough couple of days. Just let me know if there's anything I can do for you."

She smiled and followed him to the door. "Thanks," she said, "for stopping by and for the no fun champange. I can't wait to have a proper drink."

"Well, we can fix that later on. When that cute little bun in your oven is finished baking I'll take you out for drinks. How about that?"

"That would be great." she said sincerely, appreciating the light banter coming from her friend and partner. "Get home safe." she added.

Fin frowned in amusement. "I'm a cop. A big scary, strong and very attractive looking cop. No one is gonna mess with me."

The blonde rolled her eyes and slapped his arm playfully. "Whatever, stud. See ya later."

The apartment fell silent again, just the light noise from the tv passed through the room. Her body was letting her know that it was time for bed and she turned the tv off and headed for the bedroom. Nighttime was usually a difficult ordeal for the blonde. Dreams and nightmares were often present in her sleeping state which made her even more tired the next day. Right now she was so exhausted that she hoped she would sleep peacefully through the night without any unpleasantries.

"Sarge, do you have a minute?" Fin knocked on the doorframe leading into Liv's office.

The brunette popped her head up, her glasses resting low at the tip of her nose. "For you, I even have two. What's up?"

Fin sat down in front of his boss and sighed. "It's about Rollins. I went to see her last night. She said you had just left before I arrived." he scratched his head, "I could tell she was upset but she didn't really wanna talk about it."

Liv pursed her lips, deep in thoughts. "What do you mean by upset?"

"She had been crying." Fin replied. "I asked her about it and she denied it, said she was tired and hormonal, blaming the pregnancy. Now, you and me both, know that that's not true. She also said that she was worried and scared about having this baby, which is understandable I suppose. I mean it is her first. I bet you were shitting it too when you got Noah."

Olivia chuckled. "That's an understatement. I was terrified." she sighed and looked at her college. "What do you want me to do?"

Fin let out an audible sigh. "Talk to her. I mean, I tried but I'm not a mother. I don't know a lot about babies, except that they eat, sleep and poop, but you do. Have a girls night or something? Talk about how it was for you when you became a mother. I think she needs to hear it from someone who knows what it's like. I know you didn't give birth to Noah so talking about the actual delivery might not be in your favour but I'm really worried aout her mental state and I..."

"Fin!" Liv interrupted, "It's okay, I get it. I'll see what I can do, okay? And thanks for having your partner's back."

"Always." he said as he stood up and left the room, leaving a worried and troubled sargeant behind.

The rest of the day went by painfully slow. Fortunately no new cases came in but they were kept busy with the ones they were currently investigating and the paperwork never failed to cease. The stress and tension coming with the job was inevitable. Every single staff member had gone through at least a couple of rough periods. Olivia, herself, was no exception. Altough she had found and developed coping skills how to deal and process difficult cases and scenarios. She knew how to handle the stress and also knew when to take a step back and when to take another forward.

Amanda, however, seemed to struggle with the emotional part of handling detailed heinous crimes. She knew how to handle the legal part, the process of it and the aftermath but when it came to her own feelings, emotions and mental state she was at a total loss. At work she appeared strong and unattached, like nothing shocked or bothered her. Back home, in her apartment, behind closed doors she was the total opposite, not willing to let anyone see her vulnerable state.

At six o'clock the brunette shut her laptop down and headed out her office. The bullpen was empty bar from Fin and a couple of other officers working the phones for the night. Fin grabbed his black leather jacket when he saw Liv approaching his desk. "You going to see Rollins?" he asked, concern etching his face.

"Yeah, Lucy is minding Noah until nine so I'm gonna head over to her place and have a girl's chat." she winked at her work colleague and recieved a grin.

"Well, I don't wanna be there for that. God only knows what happens during those intimate talks." he placed a hand on his boss's shoulder and gave it a firm squeeze. "Good luck, sarge. I'll see you in the morning."

Amanda was pacing. Her anxiety was getting the best out of her. The thought of her family abandoning her, being pregnant and giving birth to this baby alone scared her to no end. Her head was spinning with thoughts and worse case scenarios. Her hand was continuously rubbing circles over her stretched belly, feeling a faint kick now and then, causing her face to scrunch up in discomfort. Tears formed in her eyes and she angrily wiped them away cursing at her own weakness. The doorbell suddenly rang, startling her slightly.

"What now?" she groaned and tried to get rid of the evidence of fresh tears. It was useless. Her eyes were bloodshot and puffy, dark circles were evident and she was pale as a sheet. "Great." she mumbled as she looked through the peephole. Olivia.

The blonde made one last attempt to dry her tears before opening the door. Then she changed her mind. With her hand on the handle she wished for Olivia to go away. Maybe if she just pretended she was not at home then her boss would leave. The doorbell rang again.

"Amanda?! Look, I know you're in there. I heard when you walked up to the door." her voice was low and soft, she didn't want to sound threatening in any way. "I just want to talk to you. Will you please open the door?"

Sighing, Amanda could feel more tears gathering, tears of frustration and anger this time. Why couldn't she just be left alone? Unlocking the door and the security chain, the blonde opened it and faced her boss. As soon as Liv saw her red rimmed eyes and tear stained face she turned away in embarrassment. "What do you want, sarge?" she managed to keep her voice steady.

Olivia had already seen her glossy eyes and pale complexion and her heart went out to her friend. "Oh, Amanda." she said gently, taking a step closer and shutting the door behind.

Amanda felt like her privacy had been invaded and her personal space had been broken in to. The loving look on her sergeant's face was too much for her. Wrapping her good arm around herself she boke down in tears while continuously cursing and berating herself for showing such weakness. Olivia, on the other hand, didn't hesitate and gently brought the upset blonde into her arms holding her close. She could feel the tension in Amanda's body and how she began to fight the embrace trying to break free.

Olivia just held on, hoping she would eventually stop fighting and give into the tears and let go. "Shh, don't fight me on this, Amanda, cause you won't win. I'm here, I'm right here. Shh." she rubbed the blonde's quivering back, taking caution of the injuries she previously had sustained. After a few minutes of soothing and soft words, comforting physical contact and gentle rocking she could feel the body in her arms relax ever so slightly. A sigh of relief could be heard as she felt Amanda's arms tightened around her, gathering the material of her jacket into her fists and held on for dear life as she cried.

"Oh, sweetie," the brunette said with feeling and pulled her even closer, "it's gonna be okay. Everything is gonna be okay. I've got you, I've got you now, honey. Just let go."


	10. Chapter 10

I See You

Chapter 10

Amanda was physically and mentally exhausted. Olivia could feel the body in her arms turn heavy and she knew she had to get the blonde to lay down. "Come on." Liv gently whispered in a nearby ear and began walking towards Amanda's bedroom. The blonde didn't protest. She was too tired to argue so she followed her boss's lead. Liv gently pushed her down on the bed, removed Amanda's shoes and began removing her sweater, knowing that the blonde wore a t-shirt underneath.

As delicate fingers reached the hem of the jumper Amanda flinched and shrugged away. Liv cocked her head to the side and placed a hand on her knee. "It's okay. You'll be a lot more comfortable without the sweater and it will be too painful for you to take it off on your own. Please, just let me help. I'm here to help."

Eventually Amanda nodded reluctantly. With Liv's help they managed to discard the jumper without causing too much pain. The white t-shirt she wore underneath made her belly look even bigger than it already was. Olivia couldn't help but to stare at it in awe. It was simply amazing that a small human being was growing inside her friend's stomach and how beautiful the blonde looked even though she was worn down and upset.

"Just lean back and lay down, Amanda. You have to get some sleep." she helped the blonde to lay down on her back and spread the covers over her, lingering for an extra few seconds just so she could feel the warmth radiating from her friend's body. "Try to get some rest, honey." Liv resisted the urge to brush blonde hair away from blue tired eyes.

Amanda shifted slightly, trying to get comfortable. She felt bad for having her boss seeing her like this. Guilt was also slowly creeping up on her for keeping Olivia away from her son. She struggled to keep her eyes open but managed to look into brown ones for just a second. "Noah?" she mumbled.

"Shh," the brunette gave in to the need to feel Amanda's skin under her fingers and she stroked a pale but clammy cheek. "Don't worry about anything else except for getting some sleep. I'll be right here. Just close your eyes."

Liv's soothing voice had an affect on the tired blonde and she was asleep within a minute. The older woman stayed close by for a while before quietly exiting the room. She had to call Lucy and explain to her what was going on and that she might be staying the night with Amanda. As much as it hurt her to be away from her son for so long she knew that Amanda needed her more right now. Lucy was great with Noah and had stayed the night with him a few times before.

After explaining everything to her babysitter, Olivia sighed and sat down on a kitchen chair. She didn't know what to do. How did things get this bad for Amanda? Why hadn't she noticed anything sooner? Why had she been crying? What was going on? All these questions and no answers. In attempt to clear her head she shook it and got up. Amanda had to eat and by the look of things there was no food in the apartment since the fridge was practically empty. Italian sounded good in Olivia's mind and found some takeout menus in the top drawer.

While the blonde slept Olivia ordered a few different things of the menu, not sure what Amanda liked or disliked. Almost an hour later the food arrived, spreading a delicious aroma throughout the apartment. She helped herself around the kitchen, finding plates, cutlery and glasses to set the table. She took her time doing things, wanting the blonde to sleep as long as she could before it was time for dinner. It was now almost seven thirty and she could no longer stall or otherwise it would be too late in the evening to eat.

Quietly she snuk into the bedroom, ready to face the wrath of a sleep deprived pregnant woman. To her surprise Amanda was already awake gazing at her with a frown of confusion. "Sarge? What... um, what are you doing here?"

Liv couldn't help but to smile at how adorable her young detective looked like even though she still appeared exhausted and drained. "I said I would stay, remember?" she walked up closer to the bed.

"Um, yeah but... I didn't think you actually meant it."

Those words hurt Olivia. Not because Amanda thought she wouldn't keep her word and stay but because it was now obvious that trust didn't even exist in Amanda's world. It became clear to Olivia that the young blonde must have been lied to and been let down so many times in the past that relying on someone was not an option.

"I'm a woman of my words. I try to never break a promise." she gave Amanda a smile. "I ordered Italian. Hope that's okay. Come on before it gets cold." she held her hand out to help her friend up but she shrugged away immediately.

"I can get up in my own, thanks." she muttered wearily.

Liv continued to hold her hand out, determined not to let Amanda's slight hostility get to her. "I know you can, doesn't mean that you have to. Come on."

Looking at the hand lingeing in the air in front of her made her feel awkward. Why was Liv doing this? Why was she suddenly so helpful and... motherly? Slowly she reached out with her own shaky hand and grasped it. The warmth from Olivia's hand was comforting and she couldn't help but to shiver at the contact. Luckily her boss didn't notice.

The blonde was quite surprised to see the table already set and the glasses filled with water. "You didn't have to do this, sarge." Amanda stuttered. She was grateful that the brunette had stayed like she said she would but now the thoughts of what had happened only an hour ago came back and she immediately got odd and felt completely out of sort. Olivia, her boss, her sargeant, had seen her break down and sob like a baby. Her pride and dignity had been damaged and nothing could be done or said to take it all back.

Liv pulled out a chair for Amanda to sit down. "I know I didn't, I wanted to." wearily the blonde sat down and began to fidget with the hem of her t-shirt not knowing where to look, what to do or what to say. Olivia could sense her discomfort and began digging into the steaming food. "I didn't know what you liked so I just got a few of the most popular dishes."

About five minutes into the meal Amanda felt extremely guilty for keeping the older detective from her son. "Sorry." she mumbled, barely realizing that she had said it at all.

Liv took a sip of her water and swallowed. "For what?" she gently prodded.

Amanda looked away, focusing her eyes on the kitchen sink so she didn't have to look at her sergeant's face. "For keeping you from your son and... whoever." her voice was almost a whisper and she could feel Olivia's eyes really taking her in, analysing her, the intense stare almost burning on her delicate skin. She could feel tears prickling her eyes again and she sighed and mentally berated herself for not being able to control her emotions. She always use to be in control, especially when it came to her feelings but lately it seemed like she had lost that ability. She was angry and frustrated from all the crying she had done the past few days and she just wanted it all to stop.

Liv gently grabbed Amanda's hand that was resting on the table in front of her and gave it an affectionate squeeze. "You're not keeping me from anything or anyone, Amanda." she gently explained. "I am where I want and need to be."

Amanda looked down at their joint hands, willing her own to pull away but it was frozen in place, like it wanted to be there, belonged there. "Still," she murmured, "you need to be with your son."

Liv knew she was pushing her away, walls up. "No," her tone was gentle and soft, "I need to be here." again she gave the hand she was holding a tug.

"I'm fine, sarge. Really." Amanda almost laughed at herself for stating such a lie. Fine was not a word that could describe her physical and mental state right now. Again she locked her eyes on the kitchen sink, hating herself for not pulling away her hand. _How did I get here?_ She wondered.

Olivia pushed her chair closer to the blonde with one hand while the other held a shaky one in a firm hold. When again seated she placed both of her hands over Amanda's one which caused the blonde to tear her eyes from her focus point and onto the older woman's beautiful features. "You're not fine, Amanda. You can keep telling yourself that you are, but I can see that you're not. What is going on?" the question held no threat or demand, just simply concern and worry for her friend.

Amanda felt herself turn defensive and slightly angry at those words and began pulling her hand away to get out of the uncomfortable situation. Liv held it tighter.

"No," she firmly stated, "I'm not going to let go just yet." her thumb was unconsciously stroking the back of Amanda's hand. "Tell me what's going on, Amanda? Please! I want to help you figure this out. Whatever it is we can work it out together. You're not alone, sweetie. We are all here for you and the baby. Nothing is gonna change that." Liv was almost pleading, begging her friend to talk to her.

The hand inbedded in Olivia's abruptly pulled away. Amanda quickly got up and began pacing angrily. "You can't promise me that. Don't say things you don't mean." her breathing became heavy and her chest tightened. "I want you to leave, please. Just go." she waited for any sign that would indicate Liv leaving but nothing happened. "Get out." she pointed angrily towards the door but kept her gaze down.

Olivia got up from her seat and slowly made her way towards Amanda. She could see the blonde's body shaking with emotion, even her voice had failed her and revealed the fear that was hidden. "Get out." she repeated more firmly this time since Olivia made no attempt to leave.

The brunette was now standing in front of her, calm but determined. "No." she simply said and lowered Amanda's outstretched arm that was still pointing to the door.

Again the blonde tried to pull away but was stopped by the back of the couch. "Get out." her voice was now barely audible and her chest was heaving, struggling to get air in her lungs. She was determined to not have a full blown anxiety attack in front of her boss but Liv was making it hard not to. She was desperate for her to leave. She placed a hand on her chest and struggledto speak, "out." she rasped even though she knew that at this point there was no chance that Liv would leave.

"No." the brunette replied softly and placed her own hand over Amanda's, feeling her chest raise and fall heavily. "Breathe, sweetie. Slow breaths." she whispered, ignoring the blonde's attempt to pull away. "You can fight me all you want Amanda but I'm not leaving and I'm not letting you go."

Hearing those words caused Amanda to let out a cry. It was a cry full of anguish and pain, it almost sounded primal and animalistic to Olivia who slowly pulled her into her arms. Still the blonde was putting up a fight, doing her best to make Liv leave her alone but the fight she was already fighting with the lack of air in her lungs made her too tired to keep it up.

Olivia struggled to hold on to the twitching body in her arms. There was no way she was letting go, no way was she leaving Amanda alone to deal with this. She felt tears prickling her own eyes for the pain that her friend must be in. "Amanda," she soothed, "calm down. You're making your breathing worse. Try to take slow breaths."

Amanda struggled. She didn't want to break down in front of her boss again. She was mortified, embarrassed and ashamed and she hated herself for it. She tried to keep the cries and sobs at bay but that only made it worse as another anguish filled scream passed her throat.

Liv saw her fighting a loosing battle and her heart went out to her friend. "Oh sweetheart," she murmured and steadied herself on her feet since Amanda's knees were about to give out. Somehow she managed to half carry and half drag the blonde to the sofa to sit down before her legs gave up fully. Sitting down next to the distraught woman, Olivia didn't think twize and pulled her into her lap, rocking her like child, stroking her hair with one hand, holding her tight with the other and whispering soothing words.

"Shhh, sweetie. I've got you. Don't fight it, Amanda. Whatever has to come out will eventually win so please, honey, don't fight it. Just let go. Whatever you're feeling, just let go. It's okay to cry and scream. You've obviously got so much pain pent up, sweetheart. Don't hold back, I've got you. I've got you."

Amanda was still being stubborn and continued to fight the sobs. Her body was shaking, both from battling all her emotions but also from pure physical exhaustion and lack of sleep. It was all catching up to her now, attacking her with full force. "I... I... can't... I can't..."

"Shhh," Olivia soothed. "Don't try to talk, you'll only make things worse. Just focus on your breathing, in and out slowly." Liv sat her up slightly, trying to make it easier for the blonde to get some air into her lungs. Amanda clung to her, obviously scared that she was about to leave. "Hey hey, I'm not letting go. I just thought it might be easier for you to breath this way." she rubbed soothing circles on the quivering back as another strangled cry filled the room. Olivia brought her head towards the crook of her neck. "Just let go, sweetie. There's just you and me in here and you're safe. You're safe, honey and you can let go. You can let go." she repeated those words until Amanda had no tears left to spill and her voice had turned raspy.

This was it. She had let her weakness win in the worst way possible. Olivia was tired herself from watching her friend suffer so much. She knew Amanda was embarrassed for breaking down but she, herself, was relieved. Finally Amanda had showed some kind of emotion since her family turned their backs on her. Olivia now made a silent promise to look out for the blonde.


	11. Chapter 11

I See You

Chapter 11

Liv watched her friend and colleague sleep after the panic attack she just had. Somehow she had managed to get her changed and into bed. Looking at her now, in such a peaceful state, she couldn't help but to think how beautiful the blonde really was. Her hair fanned out on the pillow, her pale but clear complexion, her slender but muscular frame and her amazingly swollen belly that held a new life inside of it. Lovingly she brushed her knuckles across a pale cheek and smiled when Amanda unconsciously leaned into the touch.

The couch was way too small to sleep on so she figured she would stay awake all night, watching over her friend, or sleep sitting up. Around two in the morning Olivia could no longer sit up and her eyes were extremely heavy. Shedding her shoes and blazer she carefully laid down next to the sleeping woman. It was nice to see this side of Amanda even though it was heartbreaking that it had to come to this. Olivia felt honoured to see this extremely private side of her employee and friend and she found herself cherishing it and silently thanking her for letting her in this far. Laying on her side facing Amanda she fell asleep.

Amanda groaned and shifted in her sleep. Her bladder was full and having an almost full grown baby pressing up against it didn't help one bit. Waking up full she became aware of a presence to her left. Glancing over her shoulder she was stunned to see her boss sprawled out and in deep sleep. She had stayed. She had stayed in her apartment, she had stayed in her bed and she had stayed like she promised she would. It amazed her how beautiful her boss was. The dark complexion, deep brown caring eyes, curvaceous body that protruded in all the right places and the soft dark brown hair that rested just below her shoulders. She could've laid there for hours and just stare at the beauty next to her but the need of reliving hetself was stronger at the moment.

When she got back to the bed she sat down carefully, not wanting to wake the brunette up. But shifting in a soft bed and not wanting to wake anybody up is easier said than done. Olivia felt the bed dip and was immediately on full alert. "You okay, Manda?" she didn't realise she used Amanda's nickname that Fin usually called her.

Laying down as far to the edge she could, to create the biggest space possible between the two women, Amanda swallowed and nodded shakily. _God, this is awkward!_ She thought. "Yeah, I'm good." her response was quick. "Just the baby literally kicking my bladder." she rolled her eyes in the dim light, trying to lighten the mood and the awkwardness. Just then the baby kicked again. "Ow, take a break." she spoke to her belly, sighing in frustration.

Liv chuckled slightly and without asking for permission or give some kind of warning sign she placed her hand over the protruding stomach and gently stroked it with her thumb. "Stop now, little one. Your mommy needs her sleep." it was a very intimate thing to do but it felt natural to Olivia so she kept her hand in place and fell asleep a few seconds later.

Amanda layed wide awake not knowing what to do. Should she remove the hand? Would she wake up if she did? Was this normal behaviour between boss and employee? What was happening? While these thoughts were running rampant in her mind, she eventually fell asleep, Liv's hand still resting comfortingly on her belly.

Amanda woke with a sudden urge to use the bathroom. Getting up she noticed that the left side of her bed was empty. _Liv must have left early._ She pondered as she took care of business. Hearing noises coming from the kitchen put her slightly on edge. Quietly she grabbed her gun from her bed side locker and released the hammer, ready for action. The gun ready in hand she rounded the corner and was faced with Liv pouring herself a cup of coffee. "Jesus, sarge!" Amanda sighed in relief and secured her weapon.

Liv grinned and slowly raised her hands. "Don't shoot. I might not be the best cook but there's no need to kill me over it. Have a seat." the brunette went about to make her friend a cup of tea. "Did you sleep okay?"

Amanda was still standing in the same spot, looking confused and bewildered. What was Liv still doing here? Why was she acting like everything was normal? Turning her eyes towards the cooker she spotted scrambled eggs and bacon. Liv must have gone to the grocery store. _What time is it anyway?_ 9.13 am! _Wow, I slept that long?_ "You're gonna be late for work." Amanda simply stated ignoring Liv's request to sit down.

Olivia shrugged. "Oh, I took the day off. Thought I'd just relax and have a calm and peaceful day. Fin is covering for me." she plated up their breakfast and mentioned for the blonde to sit, once again, and eat.

Amanda finally sat down. "Why are you doing this? I mean, you should be at work, not making me breakfast. I'm capable of making my own, thank you very much." she knew she sounded rude and snappy but this was all new to her. No one has ever made her breakfast before, not even as a child.

Before sitting down, Liv placed two plates on the table and got knifes and forks from the top drawer. "I know you are capable of doing it. I just thought it would be nice if someone else did it for you and, besides, I'm the boss so if I want a day off, I take a day off." she winked playfully and dug into her food.

Even though Liv was acting wierdly normal, the blonde couldn't fight the uncomfortable feeling over what had happened last night. Nothing was normal. Everything was in fact but normal. She felt a blush cover her face and she kicked herself mentally for acting like some love struck teenager on her first date. She pushed around the food on her plate as she felt her face burn.

"You know, it tastes better if you put it in your mouth and chew it." she sipped her coffee and nodded towards Amanda's full plate.

She put the fork down, slightly angry. "You shouldn't have done this, sarge. You need to be at work and not babysit me. I am fine. I'm sorry about last night, I don't know what came over me but it won't happen again. I appreciate everyhing you've done for me but you should leave. There are people, victims, out there who needs you. Go and help them."

Liv watched Amanda disappear into the bedroom and closed the door with a slam. Sighing she got back to her food and ate in silence. When she was done she placed Amanda's plate into the microwave and cleaned down after herself. She made a fresh cup of tea and headed for the closed bedroom door. "Amanda?" she knocked and called out softly. "Can I come in?" no answer. "I'm coming in, okay?" when she still got no reply she entered the dim lit room and saw Amanda sitting at the edge of the bed, her back towards her. "Amanda?" Liv called out again and walked around to face her. She placed the steaming cup on the nightstand and sat down next to the beautiful blonde.

"You need to talk to me Amanda. You need to let me know what's going on inside your head so I can help you. Please, let me in." she begged, wishing for the best.

Amanda got up quickly. "I don't need to tell you anything. Im fine. What happened last night shouldn't have happened and I'm sorry it did. Let's just forget about it and move on." She began pacing the room, almost making herself dizzy from it.

The brunette suddenly stood up straight, eyes turning slightly dark. "You listen to me, Amanda Rollins." she snapped and instantly caught the younger woman's attention. "What happened, happened. There's nothing we can do to change the past but we can focus on the future. As horrid this may sound, I'm glad that what happened last night did happen. You can't live day in and day out in immense pain and guilt. It will eventually catch up to you or eat you alive. I know you're scared, and that totally understandable, but we are not going to turn our backs on you Amanda. We are family and we stick together."

The last words stung the blonde's heart. _Family?_ She thought. She had a family, or at least she thought she did until they betrayed her so selfishly, turned around and left. Goodbye, farewell, have a nice life. A family was something she never really had. Well, technically she did, blood family, but they were never there, they never supported her choices, her decisions or her dreams. They had basically laughed in her face when she told them she wanted to become a police officer as a child. Told her to get real, find a man, have kids, stay at home and get lazy and fat. No, that's not what she wanted out of life. Ironically here she was, a pregnant police officer. At least she had done one thing right.

Olivia walked up to her, pushing through Amanda's personal space and grabbed her hands. "I know that this is a huge change in your life but you don't have to go through it alone so why choose to? You've got to stop pushing everybody away, Amanda. Life is something you shouldn't go through alone. I'm here, the squad is here for you and you have many people that care and love you for who you are."

The blonde snorted. "Love me? My family is suppose to love me, or, I believe, _was_ is the right term at this stage."

Holding on tightly to Amanda's slightly trembling hands, she ducked her head to make eye contact. "We all love you, Amanda. I love you and this baby will love you. Blood and genes doesn't make a family. Love, care and respect does and I'm so sorry you didn't have that growing up but you have it now." brown eyes watched Amanda flinch when she mentioned her childhood. "I do know some things about your past, Amanda. As your sargeant I'm expected to do background checks on my staff. I know you had an unfortunate childhood. I don't know any details because that's up to you to share or not but I know for a fact that this little girl will be lucky to have you in her life."

Amanda's eyes fluttered shut for a second before opening them again. "You love me?" she whispered but immediately regretted it as it sounded stupid and pathetic in her ears.

Smiling Olivia brushed blonde hair behind a small ear, feeling the softness of her skin. "Yes, I do." she whispered back, taking a step closer and looking intensely into blue orbs. "A lot of people do. I just wish you could see that."

Silence filled the room. Two women, standing in a dim lit bedroom, the bed unmade and messy, the sun peeking through a semi dirty cloud and the air was filled with sleep and warm mingled breaths. A moment of connection between the two. A minute of hope and a fragment of belief entered the blonde's core and filled her with a sense of calm that she couldn't comprehend. It only lasted for that one single minute but that was all it took for the blonde to see that Oivia was telling the truth. Their lips, faces and bodies were so close to one another. Amanda swallowed thickly, letting her eyes travel to the plump lips of the brunette.

Olivia was lost in the moment. In the dull light she could still see Amanda clearly and in that moment she had never looked more beautiful, Liv thought. Still holding onto the blonde's hands she pulled her slightly closer and let her own eyes travel down to the pink lips that were now slightly parted. She could feel Amanda's breath on her face and it made her stomach flutter with a sense of longing and need she hadn't felt in a long time. Seconds later they were locked in a soft but solid kiss.

Lips parted, inviting tongues to enter for their first touch and as they did, a moan passed Amanda's throat which caused Liv to pull her in fully against her body. Lost in the kiss they forgot about what was appropriate and what was not. It was a kiss that spoke of need, loneliness and care for them both. Olivia couldn't remember the last time she had shared a kiss with anybody, man or woman, and Amanda hadn't had her lips on anybody elses since she got pregnant.

Amanda was the first one to pull away, afraid of what she had just done. "I... I'm sorry, I... I shouldn't have..."

Liv shushed her. "You didn't do anything Amanda. I kissed you and no matter how strange and confusing it might be for you, I don't regret it." she cupped the blonde's face between her hands and stroked pale cheeks with the pads of her thumbs.

Amanda inhaled sharply and then let the air out shakily. "I... I don't know what to... I mean, I... I..." she stuttered but calmed as Liv kissed her forehead gently. She gazed into Liv's brown eyes. "What now?"

The brunette smiled and brought the shorter woman into her arms in a warm hug. "Now, we have some figuring out to do, I suppose. What do you want to happen? What do you feel? What do you want?"

Amanda swallowed nervously and couldn't fight the tremor tat washed over her. Olivia pulled her closer and rubbed her back soothingly. "I... I don't know. I... I've been trapped in my own head for a while I haven't even thought about... you know." she pulled away again and shakily sat down on the bed. Liv joined her a second later. "I like you. I mean you were my hero and role model before I even started working for you here in New York." she blushed slightly as she revealed her heroine crush on the brunette. "I followed your cases and your tactics. I was thrilled when I was transfered here and I haven't regretted one second of it. This," she waved her hand in the air between them, "is... um, confusing." she chuckled.

Liv took her hand to still it. "What do you mean confusing? Was that your first kiss with a woman?"

Amanda hated how perfectly gentle and understanding Liv was being towards her but at the same time she found herself strangely calm and at peace after their kiss. "No, I've... I've had my share." blushing again she sighed and shook her head. "I just... I don't see what you see in me, I guess."

Liv leaned forward, resting her elbows on her knees, ducking her head to catch Amanda's blue eyes. "Well, if you give me, us, some time then maybe you can see it too."


	12. Chapter 12

I See You

Chapter 12

What was Liv asking? Did she want a relationship? A one night stand? A casual fling? She didn't know if she wanted or was ready for any of that. What was going on?

"What do you want?" Amanda was startled to hear her own voice. She had said it out loud insead of mentally but now it was out in the open and maybe that was for the best.

Liv thought for a moment before answering. "I like you, Amanda. I know we've had some... issues before but that never changed the fact that you're a good person and a good detective. I find you... very attractive, you're kind, you're smart and funny. You have a good heart and a good head on your shoulders. I like working with you and, even though we haven't spent that much time together outside of work, I have really enjoyed your company during those times."

Amanda was listening carefully to what her boss was telling her. She had no idea that her sargeant felt that way about her. It was like Liv was describing herself and not her. She had always looked up to Liv and had always admired her. They had a few things in common like, thriller movies, trying new restaurants and food to explore and of course their job. They were both equally deticated when it came to justice and putting perps behind bars. A mutual understanding when it came to victims and delicate cases.

The blonde was shocked to find out that Liv thought about her in that way. Never, in her wildest dreams, did she think that Olivia could like her in a sexual and romantic way. It confused her to no end. She opened her mouth to say something but nothing came out, lost for words.

Liv placed a hand on Amanda's lower back. "I need to know if there's anything between us that's worth pursuing. I'd like to give it, us, a try and see where it goes. We'll take it slow, there's no rush at all. We can just go out together for food, drinks or a movie and just enjoy each other's company and see where it takes us. Is that something you'd be willing to try?"

Swallowing nervously Amanda slowly nodded, not yet trusting her voice but realising that Olivia would probably want an audible response. "Y... yeah. Yeah, um, sure. I'd like that... I think." she chuckled at herself for her stuttering and uncertainty.

Smiling Liv stood up and held her hand out for the blonde to take. "Come on, your breakfast is in the microwave waiting for you."

After Amanda had finished her breakfast, Olivia had managed to talk the blonde into taking a short walk with Noah. Liv had arranged for Lucy to drop him off at Amanda's with a bag of necessities. The little boy smiled shyly as he laid his eyes on the blonde. They had met many times before and Noah seemed to like playin and messing around with her. He was always a bit shy at the start but would soon warm up to her and run circles around her and his mother.

The air was clear and crisp. It felt good to get out of the apartment for a while. She was beginning to get cabin fever alrady. She didn't know how long she would last being cooped up at home. At least at work she had no choice but to keep her mind occupied and busy. At home, between four walls, there was not much she could do to stop the thoughts from running wild.

As expected, Noah soon lost his shyness and was beginning to loosen up. He would look up at Amanda with his big brown eyes and give her a cheeky grin that showed off all of his little teeth. "He really likes you, Amanda." Liv stated happily, content by watching her son open up more and seem to be at ease in the blonde's company.

Blushing Amanda watched as the little boy ran ahead of the two to hide behind a tree that was situated in the park they were in. "I like him too. You've done a great job with him, sarge. He seems really happy." her hand went unconsciously to rest upon her belly, hoping she could provide the same joy and health to her baby girl.

Liv chuckled. "I think he's the one that made me happy. It's hard to picture my life without him in it. I'm the lucky one." she paused before continuing. "By the way, I think it's time for you to stop calling me sarge, at least outside of work. Don't you think?"

"Well, what do you want me to call you then? Benson? Olivia? Liv? Mama Bear?" she chuckled at the last suggestion, knowing that Liv would get the joke from a previous case they had worked on together with the Chicago PD.

Laughing out loud Olivia looked over at the smaller woman and saw her blue eyes sparkle in the afternoon sun. "Whatever works for you, Goldie Locks." Liv mused as she kept a watchful eye on her son's whereabouts.

Amanda raised an eyebrow. "Goldie Locks, uh?"

"Yup, if I'm gonna be one of the bears the least you can do is play the part of Goldie Locks." she winked at the blonde making her blush.

They walked around for an hour. Noah was running around the trees and bushes playing hide and seek with Amanda until Liv noticed a tired look on her face. "Noah baby, it's time to jead back sweetie. We don't have as much energy as you my little man. Besides Amanda is suppose to take it easy. She's got a boo boo." Liv explained to her son.

Noah widened his eyes. "Boo boo?" he said, looking at his mother for confirmation.

"Yeah baby, a boo boo. She's got two boo boos, one on her shoulder and one on her side." Liv pointed to where the injuries were located to make him understand that he had to be gentle.

"Mama kiss better?" he asked innocenly. Everytime he had hurt himself Liv would always kiss it better and it always worked.

Liv tried not to laugh at her sons comment but she couldn't help a grin from spreading across her lips. Amanda raised her eyebrows at the brunette before she carefully crutches down to the same level as the litle boy. "Why don't you give me a little kiss on the cheek? I think that that would make my boo boo almost disappear completely. Wanna give it a try?"

Noah nodded eagerly and placed a sloppy kiss on the blonde's cheek. Then he pulled back and looked intensely at her, as if a dramatic change was about to happen. "Wow," Amanda stated, "you must have got some magic in you to make my hurt all better. Thanks buddy." she ruffled his hair, stood up and faced Liv who was grinning at the two. "What?" Amanda asked.

"That was just the cutest thing. You just made him feel very special. Thank you." smiling she placed a hand on Amanda's lower back as they headed back to her apartment. They were all a bit chilly after spening some time outside in the nippy air so Amanda got busy making them some tea and a hot chocolate for Noah to warm up. Spending this time with Olivia and her son made Amanda feel more at ease and a sense of calm. For the first time, since she had found out she was pregnant, she felt confident that she could do this. After watching her boss interact with Noah made her feel positively reassured and certain that having this baby was the right thing to do and that everything would be okay.

Being quite self conscious and unsure about herself, it didn't take long before those thoughts and feelings turned cold and slowly evaporate. Troubled by her mixed and sudden turn of her emotions, she must have stopped dead in her tracks, standing by the sink and looking down into two empty mugs. It wasn't until Liv placed a hand on her shoulder that she eventually snapped out of it, flinching at the sudden contact. "You okay?"

Taking a deep breath Amanda offered her a smile that didn't quite reached her eyes and immediately filled the cups with the steaming water, watching as it changed colour due to the herbal tea. "Yeah, fine." she simply said, not even believing herself.

The brunette's hand remained on her shoulder, giving it a gentle tug to make her turn towards her, making eye contact. "Don't do that, Amanda." Liv gently requested. "You've come this far, honey. Don't shut me out, don't shut yourself out. What are you thinking?" she helped the blonde over to the couch and they both sat down watching Noah play with a couple of dinosaurs on the floor that Lucy had thoughtfully thrown into his bag.

Amanda could feel herself tearing up again and angrily attempted to brush them away, rolling her eyes for being so weak and emotional. Liv grabbed her hand before it could reach the salty drops. "Let them fall." the older woman soothed. She didn't like that Amanda tried to shy away and be embarrassed because of showing emotion.

The blonde took a deep shaky breath. "I... I'm scared." she admitted softly. "One minute I think I can do this and the next..." she shook her head sadly and turned her head slightly away from Olivia so she wouldn't see the fresh round of tears. "the next minute I feel like a joke, useless and inadequate and that I haven't a clue what I'm doing."

Liv gently turned Amanda's head towards her and saw the tears brimming in her eyes and her bottom lip quivering slightly. "Oh sweetheart. It's okay, that's okay." she softly wiped at the wet cheeks and brused a stray lock beind Amanda's ear. "I felt very similar to what you're feeling now when I got Noah."

"You did?" Amanda asked surprised looking into Olivia's eyes to see if she was telling the truth or not.

"I did. For a long time I struggled with my feelings and I couldn't believe that he was mine. I felt invincible one moment and like a failure the next. I didn't know how much a child could change your life in such a dramatic way but it happened. Every time he fell, scraped his knee or got sick I was terrified and thinking I was a bad mother for letting that happen, but do you know what?" she kept wiping away the tears as they silently fell down Amanda's face.

The blonde sniffled and shook her head in response. "What?" she asked in an almost childlike voice.

Smiling Liv placed a kiss on her forehead. "It happens. It will always happen. It doesn't matter how good of a mother you are, your child is gonna get sick, hurt themselves and fall, it's inevitable. All we can do is out best and your child will thank you for it one day. With the bad comes good and there's so much good Amanda. It outweighs the bad in a heartbeat and you will find yourself looking at your child thinking how lucky you are to have her."

Olivia cupped the blonde's face between her strong and warm hands, looking her dead in the eyes. "You, Amanda Rollins, will make this child so happy. You will make an excellent mother."

Hearing those words coming from the woman in front of her made her even more emotional but this time in a good way. A sb escaped her lips and the floodgates opened once more. Again, she turned into a sobbing mess in Olivia's company and she hated herself for it. She tried to calm herself and apologize for her behavior but the lump in her throat made it almost impossible to speak. "I'm... I'm sorry, I... I'm crying... again." she sobbed.

Liv pulled her into her arms, leaned back against the cushions behind her and held on tight onto the woman she had come to care for so much. "It's alright, sweetness. You can cry all you want, I'm right here with you and I'm not letting go." she soothed, trying to bring Amanda down from her panic ridden state. "Shh, it's okay."

Noah got up from the floor and tentatively made his way over to the two. When he reached the sofa he pointed at Amanda and stuck out his lower lip, pouting. "Boo boo?" he asked, looking between the two women, wondering why the pretty blonde was crying.

They both couldn't help but to chuckle at the innocent question. "Yeah, buddy. Amanda has got a boo boo." Liv said and placed a kiss on the blonde tresses.

Noah watched his mother's actions. Carefully the little boy climbed into Olivia's lap, reached over and placed a kiss on the very same spot his mother had done only seconds ago. The gentle and innocent action made Amanda's heart swell and she couldn't help but to think what a great little boy Olivia had raised.

Amanda smiled through her tears. "Thank you Noah. That made it all better." she said and ruffled his hair gently.

Happy with his achievement the toddler jumped back down onto the floor and resumed his play of dinosaur fighting. They watched him play for awhile in silence, just enjoying his interaction with the toys and the noises he made while playing with them. Amanda suddenly realised that she was still wrapped up in the arms of the brunette and that she quite enjoyed it. It felt soothing and calm, almost like some kind of stillness that swept over her and made all her worries disappear for awhile and it felt good. So so good.


	13. Chapter 13

I See You

Chapter 13

The rest of the day was spent relaxing, watching tv, eating left over take out from the previous day and enjoying Noah's adorable banter. When the dark began to sweep in Amanda knew that the brunette would have to leave and it made her feel a bit uneasy although she would never admit it.

She didn't have to admit it. Olivia somehow knew what the blonde was thinking and feeling. Noah was asleep on the couch, tired from the days activities and Amanda was standing by the sink washing out their cups and plates. When she felt two strong arms wrap around her from behind she flinched. "Shh," Liv soothed in her ear, "it's just me. You doing okay?"

It wasn't a question really. The brunette knew the answer but she wanted to hear Amanda's reply. As she expected the blonde was trying to push her feelings aside and pretend that everything was fine. "I'm fine." she simply stated, shrugging her shoulders.

Liv placed her hands on Amanda's to stop what she was doing and turned her around to face her. "Your words are telling me one thing and your body is telling me another. What's up?" she ducked her head to make eye contact but the blonde just kept looking down at the floor.

Sighing Amanda dried her hands on a tea towel. "I... there's something I'd like to ask you but... I'm afraid you're gonna say no." she mumbled, feeling like a kid asking to stay up later than usual on a school night.

"Well, you won't know until you ask me. I'll do whatever I can to accommodate and help you." Liv brushed blonde hair away from her forehead and kissed it.

Amanda closed her eyes at the soft contact and decided to tell Liv what she had on her mind. "I... I know I'm not suppose to work in the field or anywhere else for that matter and before you say anything just please hear me out?" she pleaded, desperate to get her point across. Liv pursed her lips and silently nodded, indicating for Amanda to continue.

"I know I don't deserve your trust or anyone elses right now because of what I did but..." she stopped and sighed in frustration. She needed Liv's approval on this. She needed her to say yes. "I can't sit at home and do nothing and when I say can't, I really mean that I can't." Liv could see the fear and desperation in the blue eyes. "Free time has never been a friend of mine. I just... I just don't do well with too much time on my hands." her eyes were beginning to fog up, forcing Olivia to realise how important this was for Amanda.

Before the blonde could continue Liv interrupted. "Yes."

Amanda snapped her head up, looking at her boss with uncertainty, trying to determine if she had heard right. "Wh... what?" she stuttered.

The brunette smiled gently and stroked her cheek. "I know where this conversation is going and normally I would say no, without any hesitation, but I can see now that taking time off would not be beneficial for you." the blonde opened her mouth to speak but Liv placed a delicate finger across her lips, sushing her. "I want you in the precinct for nine, you stay at your desk, do paperwork, answer the phones but do not, under any circumstances, leave the building during work hours without letting me know first. You take it easy, if it gets too much for you at any point I want to know about it, and I want to know about it from you, not through anybody else. Understood?"

Amanda could have thrown herself at the brunette in relief. It felt like a burden had been lifted from her shoulders and she felt a bit lighter from it. "Thank you. You have no idea how much I appreciate this. I promise I won't let you down this time."

"Amanda," Liv spoke soothingly, "you didn't let me or anybody else down. Please, don't beat yourself up over this. You acted on instinct, reflex and from what you've been taught in the academy. You ment well, you saw danger and you wanted to protect. How can I be anything but proud and honoured to work with someone like you."

Amanda didn't know what to say. She didn't expect a speech like that from her boss considering everything she had done. "Th... thank you."

Smiling Liv slowly leaned closer and softly claimed the blonde woman's lips with hers. The kiss was gentle and full of promise but also care and admiration for each other. When they broke the kiss Amanda was breathless and her heart pumping wildly. She could feel her arousal build and decided she needed some space to cool down so things didn't get out of hand. They were not ready for that to happen just yet.

"I want you to take tomorrow off though. Just tomorrow to give you one extra day to recuperate and rest. Can you please do that for me?" as Amanda nodded Liv brought her in close for a secure embrace. "I better go before Noah wakes up and get grumpy. Trust me, it's not a pleasant sight." they both chuckled at Liv's statement. "You call me if there's anything you need, no matter what time it is, even if it's just to talk. Okay?" again the blonde bobbed her head. "Promise?"

Liv needed to hear it verbally. "Yes, I promise." she knew then she was lying to Liv straight in the face. Sometimes she just dealt with things easier on her own and she would never willingly, purposely or consciously ask anyone for help. In her childhood, asking for help, had always been considered a weakness and a failure.

"Okay. Good night, Amanda." she kissed the blonde's cheek softly before picking Noah up in her arms and headed out the door. Amanda was left alone with her thoughts and feelings racing in her mind and body. Things had turned dramatically the past couple of days and she still wasn't sure if it was actually real. The silence reminded her that she was now alone. The scent of Olivia still lingering in the air and her chest tightened at the thought of the brunette. She felt like she was not worthy of her friendship or kindness. She had done so many mistakes in the past within the squad that she didn't think it was possible for anyone to forgive and forget but she was still here, still a member of the NYPD and still had her job as a SVU detective. How many chances do one person get?

Amanda woke up in the middle of the night confused as to what exactly had waken her in the first place. The baby. It was kicking mad again, making the blonde feel like a punching bag in a boxers gym. Her bladder was calling her again and it was only just after midnight. There would be a few more visits to the bathroom before the night was over.

She stumbled in and turned on the light, squinting her eyes at the brightness. The toilet seat was already up and she just sat down, sighing in relief as the pressure eased. Placing her hands on her belly she gave it a little rub. "You're a handful, little one, and you're not even here yet."

Reaching over to the side, she ripped off a bit of toilet tissue and that's when something caught her eye. Blood. There was blood in her underwear. Fresh and warm blood. She just stared at it for a minute, not sure what to do. Was it serious? Should she call a doctor? Go to the hospital herself? Call Liv? Was this normal?

Trying to breath normally to calm herself down she quickly placed a sanitary pad in her panties, stood up and flushed. Cramps spread through her lower abdomen and reaching around to her back. They weren't very painful, just uncomfortable. She didn't want to bother Liv with this, besides it was in the middle of the night and she would have no one to mind Noah. After a few minutes of silently debating with herself she decided to drive to the hospital. Better safe than sorry. She didn't care that she only had her pyjamas on. Pulling on her jacket and shoes, she grabbed her phone and keys and headed out the door into the cold night.

The drive only took about fifteen minutes since traffic was light. After explaining her situation to the nurse behind the desk at the reception, she was seen straight away. The bleeding had now stopped but the cramps were still there, coming and going. An ultra sound and an embarrassing examination showed that everything was normal and that some spotting and cramps were quite common for pregnant women. Hearing that calmed her slightly. She was tired and wanted to get back home to bed when her previous doctor stepped through the door. "Miss Rollins, missed us?"

Amanda knew he was trying to reflect some light into the situation but the blonde was not amused. "Don't flatter yourself, doctor." she said with a stiff smile.

He took Amanda's chart from the nurse and read it through. "I see here that everything is normal. All your levels are as they should be, fluids in your womb is perfect, blood pressure is normal and the baby seems to be doing well. What you're experiencing is actually more common than you think. I wouldn't worry if I were you but I do want to keep you in overnight for observation." he watched Amanda roll her eyes and sigh before he continued. "I know you don't like to hear it but it's what's best for both you and the baby. Considering everything you've been through the past couple of days I would recomend that you stayed so we can monitor you. It could be stress related."

"Great." she mumbled and closed her eyes, feeling the tiredness taking over.

"Is there anyone you'd like me to call for you?" the doctor offered but Amanda just shook her head. "Okay, try to get some sleep and I'll pop in tomorrow to see how you're doing."

When he was gone the blonde thought about calling Liv but quickly changed her mind. There was nothing to worry about so why bother Liv with something that wasn't serious. If she was lucky she would be out early in the morning and Liv would never find out anyways. She took a deep breath, settled in between the coarse sheets and fell asleep.

Next time she was awakened by the vibrations of her phone. Opening her eyes she realised how tired she really was. It was almost a struggle to reach for the noisy device to answer it. "Hello." her voice was weak and raspy.

"Amanda, where are you?" it was Liv. "I'm outside your door knocking. I took an early lunch and thought I'd surprise you with some Chinese. You okay? You sound tired."

Amanda could hear the concern in her voice and mentally prepared herself for the verbal lecture she was about to receive. "Um, Liv hi. Um, I'm not home, I'm... um, last night I... something happened and um..." she glanced at the screen on her phone and saw that it was almost 12.30 pm. Shocked she placed the phone back to her ear. There was no way she was getting out of this.

"Amanda, you still there? Are you okay?"

The blonde snapped back into the present. "Um, yeah I'm okay." she sighed in defeat. "Look, I dont want you to worry but I'm in the hospital but I'm fine, the doctor said that..."

"What!" Liv interrupted, concern taking over her entire body. "Which hospital?" she demanded to know.

"Mercy. But I'm fine Liv. They're letting me out soon... I hope." the last two words she mumbled hoping Olivia didn't pick up on them.

"I'm on my way." Liv said and immediately hung up and raced back to her car, trying not to break any speed limits on the way to the hospital.

Liv walked straight up to the reception and flashed her badge, greatful for being a cop in that very moment. She got the room number and nearly ran down the corridor to where Amanda was situated. When she got there Amanda was asleep, her head to one side facing Liv, her right hand resting on her stomach and light snores were escaping her lips. The brunette couldn't help but to smile and watch the beautiful blonde for a minute before she walked up and stood next to the bed.

Leaning down, she placed a gentle kiss on Amanda's forehead, causing her to wake. Sleepy blue eyes looked into brown concerned ones and she had never been so happy to see Liv that she almost teared up. "You came?" she mumbled, her voice still raspy and full of sleep.

Kissing her forehead again, Liv smoothed back blonde tresses from her face. "Of course I came, honey. What happened? Why didn't you call me? How long have you been here? What's going on?" Olivia sputtered question after question not waiting for an answer before she asked the next.

"I'm fine." Amanda mumbled.

"You're in the hospital. You're not fine, Amanda. Now tell me what happened or do I have to force it out of you?"

The blonde struggled to keep her eyes open. "I had some bleeding and cramps during the night but I'm okay now."

Liv sighed and placed her hand over Amanda's that was still resting on her baby bump. "Why didn't you call me sweetie? I would've come straight here. I told you to ring me if needed be."

"The doctor said I was fine and that it's quite normal or this to happen. Everything is as it should be. There was no need to wake you and Noah up. There was nothing to worry about." Amanda argued.

"Oh Amanda. When are you gonna see that there are people who care and wants to help you? I wish you would understand that I care and I do worry. I will always worry about you. Just let me help. Let me know when you're not feeling well, express your emotions, tell me what you need so I know how to help you. You have to talk to me so I know what I have to do to make things better. Please." she pleaded.

Amanda instantly felt bad for not calling Liv last night and tell her what had happened. She could see how stressed out and concerned the brunette was and it made her feel awful. "I'm sorry." she sniffled, tears building in her eyes and shoulders began to shake. "I'll try to do better. I'm just not use to people caring and worrying over me. I'm so so sorry." she cried, too tired to try and hide the tears and sobs.

"Oh baby." Liv quickly scooted in next to the upset woman, placed multiple kisses on her head and held her carefully against her, feeling the sobs wracking the petite frame. "Shhh, it's okay, sweetheart. I'm here and I'm gonna make it all better." she stroked the tear stained face with her knuckles while resting her lips against Amanda's temple, whispering soothing words. "It's okay. I'm not mad I'm just worried. Shhh, everything is okay. I've got you, baby. I've got you."

Maybe it was too much too soon but Olivia couldn't help the endearment and pet names from slipping through her lips. It was in her nature to sooth and comfort when she thought was needed and seeing Amanda so stressed and upset made her heart break. "I'm right here." she whispered over and over, willing Amanda to believe her words.


	14. Chapter 14

I See You

Chapter 14

Olivia had Amanda discharged after a long conversation about her health and safety. Again she convinced the blonde to take another day off before commencing work, just to rest up and catch up on some sleep. She also tried talking Amanda into staying at her place for a while until her injuries healed fully but the blonde refuced. "I'd feel more comfortable in my own apartment Liv. I know you mean well but I need some structure and familiar surroundings. I'll be fine."

"You said that last time and look what happened." Liv argued.

Sighing Amanda rubbed her face with one hand, tired of this whole situation. "This could have happened anywhere and it couldn't have been predicted or stopped. It just happened."

Seeing Amanda's tired features made Olivia give in with a sigh of frustration. "Okay, but this time you promise, and I mean promise to call me if anything happens again. Deal?"

Nodding, Amanda surrendered. "Deal. I promise. Can you please just take me home, I'm really tired." she stated, grabbing her things and looked at the brunette.

"Sure, sweetie." her heart melted as she eyed the exhausted blonde in front of her. She wanted Amanda healthy with plenty of bed rest and taking her home to bed was the best thing for her. The drive back was quiet. Amanda fell asleep, resting her head up against the window, covered with a blanket that Liv kept in her car for Noah. Liv would get Fin to collect Amanda's car later, there was no way Olivia was letting her drive being so tired.

It was just after two in the afternoon. Liv had to get back to work but promised to pop in after she finished around six with Noah, knowing that the little boy made Amanda feel better. She promised to stay in bed or the couch to rest and Liv was happy with that. Knowing that the blonde was resting and taking things easy put her mind at ease and hopefully she could focus on work. She made sure Amanda was well wrapped up in a thick blanket on the couch, a glass of water on the table, the remote and her phone next to it and a few magazines in a pile. "Remember to call me if you need anything. Don't feel like you're putting me out or burdening me because you're not, okay?"

"I promise." she said with a weak smile, embarrassed that Liv was fuzzing over her so much. She'd never had that before. No one had ever cared so much for her as Liv did and it felt good but also confusing and frightening.

The brunette sat down and took Amanda's hands in hers. "Can I kiss you before I go?" she asked shyly, feeling like a teenager on her first date. Amanda licked suddenly dry lips but nodded. Leaning in close their lip met, gently at first but turned passionate vey quicky. Both women felt their arousal building rapidly and Liv couldn't stop a low moan from escaping her throat. Amanda's lups were so soft and plump, just perfectly proportioned against her own. Tongues caressed and explored each other and Amanda eventually had to pull away due to overheating.

Liv smiled and kissed a flushed cheek. "You okay? You look a bit... hot." she said and winked.

Groaning in embarrassment the blonde hid her face in her hands. "You need to go and I need a cold shower." she mumbled into her palms before looking up into Liv's amused face.

"Oh no," she said, "you're staying right where you are." she demanded.

Amanda rolled her eyes. "I think I'm quite capable of taking a shower by myself, sargeant."

Liv kissed the corner of her mouth. "I'm sure you are but I'd rather you didn't." she kissed her again, not being able to get enough of the blonde's lips, taste and smell. It was intoxicating. "I better go before we do something we shouldn't be doing. At least not so soon."

After Olivia had left Amanda was intensely staring at the television but she hadn't a clue of what was actually playing. All she could think of was Liv. How did they end up where they're at now and how were they going to proceed and develop a relationship with one kid and another on the way? A couple of days ago they were colleagues, work mates, a team and now they were suddenly kissing and caressing each other passionately. When had things changed so dramatically? She was chocked that Liv had feelings for her and she still couldn't believe it. After all these years of working together and along side each other and nothing had happened until now. How was that even possible? Did things like this actually happen? It was almost too good to be true.

Liv would probably see all the baggage Amanda was carrying around from her past and would probably leave once she saw how damaged, broken and weak she was. They all did eventually. _Don't get too attached cause it won't last._ She thought as she snapped out of her buzz an turned her attention back to the tv.

She must have fallen asleep cause the next thing she knew, her front door was pushed open to reveal the stunning sargeant standing in the doorway with her adorable son hanging off her hip. Amanda had told her about the spare key she kept in her desk at work and for Liv to let herself in. It took the blonde a minute to fully wake up. Her head was a bit cloudy and her body sore from the awkward position she had been laying in.

Noah let out a little squirm when he saw the blonde sitting up, rubbing the sleep out of her eyes. "Hi, big boy. How are you today? Have you been good?" Amanda cooed over the toddler. Liv carefully set him down, smiling as he clumsily wobbled over to where Amanda was sitting, reaching his arms up for the blonde to pick him up.

Liv was across the room in an instant, lifting the toddler up onto the sofa. "Remember Amanda's boo boo? She can't lift you up yet, sweetheart. You have to be getle." she instructed. Noah just smiled and held his arms up. Liv chuckled at his cute behavior. "I think he wants a cuddle from a certain blonde." she winked, "I wouldn't mind one myself but someone has to get dinner sorted." she kissed Amanda's cheek before turning towards the kitchen. "Carisi thought that you must be sick of take out by now so he made a home cooked, cheesy, succulent and full of nutrients lasagne for you. I'll just heat it up."

Amanda raised her eyebrows. "He did that for me?" she asked surprised. Noah was tucked against her side playing with a book that made noises everytime you turned a page.

"Yeah, we all care about you, you know. Even Dodds asked about you." Liv said smiling as she busied herself in the kitchen.

Amanda still had her eyebrows raised. "I must be special then." she mumbled sarcastically, brushing the brown soft locks on Noah's head, liking the way it felt between her fingers.

After dinner Noah got sleepy and Liv wrapped him up in a blanket and placed him gently down on the sofa. Amanda was amazed at how quickly he went from being a bundle of energy to a limp sack of potatoes in the space of a few minutes. "I wish I could fall asleep that easily." the blonde stated as she began to wash the dishes.

Liv frowned. "You having trouble sleeping?" she asked with concern and made her way towards the pregnant woman.

Snorting Amanda finished up the last plate. "Try getting comfortable in any bed while being seven months pregnant. It's a task that no one can master. Not to mention that the little booger keep using my bladder as a punching bag and breaking my back in two." the blonde tried to make fun of the situation and make it sound as if it was no big deal but honestly, it was hell. She always felt tired, slightly nauseous, swollen ankles and a sore back. This pregnancy was not being kind to Amanda.

Liv scrunched up her face in sympathy and cocked her head to the side. "Would you like me to give you a back rub? I've been told I'm quite good at it." she stated proudly.

Amanda hesitated. A back massage sounded heavenly right now but she was hesitant and weary about letting Liv in so close to her body. She wasn't ready for that even though she knew that the brunette would never take advantage of her in any way. "Um, no that's okay. I'm... um, I'm fine." she stuttered feeling her cheeks burn slightly at the thought of Liv sensually rubbing lotion onto her back.

The brunette just nodded. "Okay, just let know if you change your mind." she said and kissed a flushed cheek. "If you don't mind me asking, how were the early stages of your pregnancy? I mean did you have morning sickness, dizziness, nauseous?"

The younger woman was planning on downplying it but the look of compassion and care on Liv's face made her feel bad and she couldn't lie about it. "Um, well, I did have all of the above and still do but not as bad. The morning sickness kicked in very fast and I could only eat certain things on certain times. I spent a lot of time hanging over the toilet puking my guts out." she glance at Liv and forced a smile onto her face to lighten the mood.

The older detective felt bad for the blonde. It seemed like Amanda had had a very hard time and was still going through it. "I'm sorry you're having such a bad time. I wish I could do something to help."

Amnda gave her a genuine shy smile this time. "You are."

Liv frowned slightly. "How come I never saw you running towards the bathroom at the precinct? I never once saw you feeling unwell or sick."

"Um, well I guess I hid it pretty well then." she smirked, playing it down again, desperate for a change in conversation.

Liv enveloped her in a strong hug and held on tight. "You are the strongest person I know. So strong it makes you stubborn and sometimes reckless. You have to stop hiding everything away, Manda. Let the people who care about you in. You can rely on the squad and, more importantly, you can rely on me."

Amanda slowly returned the hug, a bit taken aback by the sudden physical proximity. "I'll try." she murmured into Liv's shoulder, keeping her emotions at bay. Being pregnant caused the blonde to be emotional and easily affected by things and feelings, something that was usually not in her nature otherwise. She hated it and mentally kicked herself every time she felt her eyes sting or her chest tighten. She would be considered weak in the eyes of her family. Weak and vulnerable. They would tell her to toughen up and get over it. Life is not full of roses and rainbows, that's what her mother use to say when Amanda was being difficult as a child. Having this baby, bringing a newborn into this world made Amanda determined to give her the best life she possibly could offer. Everything the blonde didn't have as a child, she would make sure that her baby girl had.

The time came for Olivia to leave. She had an unsettling feling in her stomach about leaving the blonde on her own again. She didn't want a repeat of last night and if something did happen at least Liv would be close by. "Amanda, I would feel more at ease if you stayed with me for a little while. Just for a few nights, please."

Shaking her head Amanda sighed. "I... I don't want that Liv. I know you worry but if something happens it's gonna happen whether you're with me or not. I'll be more comfortable in my own apartment with my own bed and my own... sloppy habits." she added with a smirk.

"Sloppy habits?" the brunette asked, suddenly interested. "Oh, do tell?!"

Amanda chuckled. "Well, for starters I drink milk and juice straight from the carton, I throw my clothes on the floor and I shower with the door open."

Liv raised her eyebrows in amusement. "Well, I could get use to the first two and the last one I know I can definitely get use to. No complaints." she smirked.

The blonde slapped her arm playfully. "You wish." she giggled but suddenly turned pale and a look of dread and pain appeared on her features.

The brunette noticed it straight away, grabbed the blonde by the shoulders and studied her face in concern. "What's wrong? You okay, Amanda? Talk to me, sweetie." she watched as Amanda hissed in pain, grabbed her stomach and felt her knees give out. The pain was too much and she couldn't keep herself upright. Liv caught her instantly and gently lowered them both onto the floor. Swiftly she grabbed her phone and called a bus as she watched bright red blood seep out from between Amanda's legs.

"Hold on, honey. The ambulance is on the way. Just hold on for me sweetie. You're gonna be okay, you're gonna be okay." the blood was still coming out in a steady flow and Liv got worried for the amount of blood loss. Doing the only thing she could think of, she reached up and grabbed a tea towel from the kitchen counter, balled it up and pressed it against Amanda's groin area. She knew it wouldn't make much of a difference but in her mind at least she had done something.


	15. Chapter 15

I See You

Chapter 15

Liv was a nervous wreck. She had been pacing over an hour in the waiting area, running her fingers through her hair in frustration, amazed that she had any hair left on her head. The ambulance had arrived within seven minutes and Amanda had lost a significant amount of blood. She was ghostly pale as she layed on the stretcher in the bus, her body limp and eyes droopy, almost dead looking. Liv had not once let go of her hand.

Now, almost an hour later, she could still feel the coldness of Amanda's skin tingling the palm of her hand. Once they got to the hospital Olivia was stopped and could no longer stay by the blonde's side. Doctors and nurses swarmed around her as they pushed the trolley through the big double doors leading down to where she knew the operating rooms were.

She called Lucy straight away. The sound of Liv's voice told her that something bad had happened and she had no problem collecting Noah and staying the night again. Olivia thanked her with a tight hug, holding on just a couple of seconds longer, needing some kind of reassurance. Now, she was alone and there was no reassurance anywhere. What was taking so long? Someone should've been out by now with an update. She wiped a lone tear slowly making it's way down her cheek. She hadn't even noticed that she was crying.

Finally the doors burst open and a female doctor stepped out, scanning the waiting room. "Olivia Benson?" she called out flickering her eyes over other waiting people before Liv quickly approached. "Are you here for Rollins?"

"Yes. How is she? How's the baby? What happened?" Liv was frantic and knew she wouldn't be able to calm down until she knew that Amanda and the baby were safe.

The doctor placed a hand on Liv's lower back, leading her down the corridor where she had just emerged from. "Miss Rollins is stable for now. She has lost a lot of blood and is sleeping at the moment. The next 24 hours will be critical but I believe that she will pull through." the doctor then stopped and sighed. "We had to perform an emergency c section straight away. The baby was is distress and she was hemorrhaging. The baby is now in an incubator. She's not breathing on her own and her heartbeat is abnormal. It's too soon to tell if she'll make it or not. We're doing everything we can for her but it's touch and go. Miss Rollins is in room 417 if you want to sit with her."

Liv took all the information in and her heart broke. The baby had to make it. She just had to. There was no other option. She stuttered a thank you before rushing down to the room that held the blonde. Before opening the door she took a deep breath. It was quiet inside. Just the beeping of the heart monitor could be heard. Looking at Amanda she immediately noticed that her previously swollen belly was now almost gone. Just a small bump left. She was still very pale and ashen, almost pasty white.

She walked up to the bed and sat down next to the blonde's legs by her tighs and lovingly brushed her fingers over a white cool cheek. "I'm so sorry, Amanda. I wish you didn't have to go through this." Leaning down she placed a kiss on her forehead, feeling the coolness of her skin against her warm lips. "It's gonna be okay, baby. I'm gonna make everything okay." again she brushed a pale cheek with her knuckles and was suddenly greeted by two drowsy blue eyes.

"Liv?" she whispered, her voice was weak and full of sleep and confusion. Her eyes were watering up because of the light in the room but eventually she got use to the brightness. Before she could say anything Liv placed a finger on her lips.

"Hey shhh, sweetie. You're okay." she cupped the blonde's face in her palms, feeling the need to physically touch her getting too strong. "You're in the hospital. Do you remember what happened, honey?" she watched as Amanda struggled to remember when suddenly blue eyes snapped fully open.

"The baby?" tears instantly made their way down her cheeks and she began pushing herself up into a sitting position.

Liv stopped her at once. "No no, sweetie. Lay down." she gently placed a hand on Amanda's chest and softly pushed her back down. "You've had surgery, you need to stay still." she smoothed blonde tresses away from her pale face and thought about how to say the next part. "Amanda, before you start panicking I just want to say that your baby is alive. They had to perform emergency c section. You've lost a lot of blood but you'll pull through. The baby is in an incubator." she watched as dread crept upon Amanda's face and her bottom lip began to tremble from fear.

"Hey, listen to me." Liv urged. "She's alive. She's having some difficulties breathing on her own and her heart is not beating as it should but she's alive. She's alive, sweetie. All we can do now is wait and let the doctors do their job. I'm here, and I'm not going anywhere. I'll stay with you the whole time. You're not alone. You're not alone."

Sensing Amanda's distress, Olivia swiftly adjusted the upper part of the bed so that the younger woman was half sitting. Not waisting another second, Olivia lovingly pulled Amanda's body up against hers and instantly felt the small body beginning to shake from sobs and cries. Liv held on, making sushing noises, rubbing her back in soothing circles and kissed her temple repeatedly, willing warmth, love and comfort into the distraught woman's heart. "Oh honey! My sweet sweet girl. It's okay, you're okay. I'm not letting go Amanda, I'm right here. I'm here for you and I will do anything in my power to make things alright." she soothed as Amanda continued her desperate cries of agony and despair. Crying for her baby girl that was fighting for her life.

"Shhh, baby. Let it out, you're okay. Don't hold back, sweetie. Cry all you want, cry it all out, I've got you. I've got you, Shh." Olivia felt the need to tell her to not hold her tears and cries back because knowing Amanda she would do anything to not cry or appear emotional. Her words were on repeat as Amanda let go completely and cried her heart out in fear of losing her baby.

Several minutes passed before the blonde had calmed down enough to verbally communicate. "Wh... what am I gonna do? She can't die, Liv." her voice sounded so pitiful and weak. "She just can't." she cried as occasional hiccups took over her body.

"Shh, let's not think about that right now. She's still with us and that's a good sign. We have to believe that things will be okay." Liv brushed Amanda's tears away before she realised that she too was crying. "I'm gonna stay with you for as long as it takes. I'm not gonna let you go through this alone, sweetheart." her voice was determined and firm, full of promise and hope.

"I... I want to... see her. Can I see her? Please Liv! I... I have to see her." desperation was evident in her tone and face. She really needed this.

"I'll see what I can do, alright." Liv stood up. "Don't move an inch until I get back, promise?" Amanda quickly nodded. A few minutes later, which seemed like hours to Amanda, the brunette appeared in the doorway with a wheelchair. "You can see her for a little while but you have to stay seated the whole time. We don't want you tearing any stitches." She came around with the wheelchair and positioned it next to the bed. Somehow Liv managed to lift the petite blonde into the chair and covered her legs with a blanket.

The peds intensive care unit was only down the corridor to the left at the very end. There was six incubators in the room. Four of them were occupied and two were empty. Liv spotted the sign on the incubator that said Rollins and headed straight towards it. The two women gasped as they saw the tiny pink wrinkly bundle laying on white sheets surrounded with blankets, wires and tubes. It was amazing that they had enough room on the tiny body to attach all the machines to. The small chest was moving up and down with the help of the breathing machine that supplied oxygen and a heart monitor was beeping soundly, indicating that, for now, her heart was beating normally.

Amanda just looked at her little girl. She was the most beautiful thing. Her hair was fair, her nose had the same bone structure as her own and even though her eyes were closed, Amanda somehow knew they were blue, just like hers. Tentatively she reached a hand through the hole in the glass and for the first time she caressed her daughter's head, feeling the soft fuzzy little locks of hair soothing her fingers. She had a baby. She was hers and nobody elses. The feeling was overwhelming and again tears rolled down her cheeks but this time Amanda had a smile on her face.

"You are perfect." she whispered through her tears. "So so small but perfect. How is it possible to love someone so much even though we've just met? You are the most precious thing." Amanda could stare at her daughter forever. Such a small human being, so helpless and innocent that it scared her and it was her responsibility to nurture, love and protect this child from now on.

"She is beautiful." Liv whispered, "just like her mother." she bent down and kissed Amanda's head tenderly. "I bet she's a fighter too. Like mother, like daughter."

Amanda just continued to stare at her precious bundle, not quite believing that the tiny baby in front of her was hers. She kept running her fingers gently over the soft head of hair as tears were silently rolling down her cheeks. A nurse appeared in the doorway and said that unfortunately they had to leave for now but could come back in the morning and stay for as long as they wanted. Amanda was very reluctant to leave but with Liv's promise of coming back first thing in the morning made it slightly easier for the blonde to relax. The older woman wheeled her back into her room and helped her into bed. Safely tucked beneath the covers Amanda felt how sore and tired she really was.

Her eyes drifted shut as soon as her head hit the pillow and Olivia placed an extra blanket over the small frame to keep any bit of cold out. She stayed close by Amanda's head, holding onto one hand and gently stroking the blonde tresses. It was past midnight and the brunette felt her own eyes beginning to droop. Studying the small frame in the big hospital bed she made a decision to climb in next to her. There was plenty of room for them both and Liv wanted to be near in case anything happened during the night.

The older woman slowly woke up. Her body slightly sore from her awkward position during the night and her mouth felt like the Sahara Desert. Popping her eyes open she noticed that Amanda's side of the bed was empty. Fear kicked in and she immediately rushed to her feet scanning the room and the bathroom. Nothing. The wheelchair was still standing against the wall untouched and she noticed it was still dark outside. "Amanda?" she called out but no answer came.

It finally dawned on her where it would be most likely for the blonde to be. The ICU. Half sprinting down the hall Olivia came to a halt when she saw the young detective slumped in a chair next to the incubator that held her baby girl. Walking slowly towards the woman she noticed Amanda's distant look on her face, the old and fresh tears smearing her cheeks and her exhausted and painful complexion. It tore at her heartstrings to watch the woman she cared so much for suffer in such a horrible way.

The baby's stats seemed to be the same, which was a relief more than a concern. Olivia approached the blonde gingerly, putting on a brave front. "Hey, I missed you." she simply said with a faint smile. "Can't sleep, uh?" Liv pulled up an empty chair and sat down as close to Amanda as she possibly could.

Amanda shook her head absentmindedly but never took her eyes off her baby daughter. Liv couldn't find any words that would offer any kind of comfort or conciliation. The room was dim lit and quiet. Only a few nurses were passing by the room now and then, an occasional small cry from an infant could be heard and the beeping from various machines echoed through the walls. Olivia saw how tired the blonde was. Her head was beginning to nod and her blue eyes were almost impossible to remain open. Liv also noticed that small shivers took hold of Amanda's body now and again and being only dressed in a hopital gown didn't help the matter. Without warning Liv scooped the semi awake woman up in her arms and held her protectivly, careful with her injuries.

Amanda was just about to protest and demand Liv to put her back down when she felt a pair of warm soft lips against her own. "Shhh," she murmured, "you won't be any good to her making yourself sick. You need to sleep, baby. I can see that you're so exhausted and scared. Sitting here is not going to make things better. You have to look after yourself in order to help your baby girl." Liv began to walk back to the bed, still cradling her precious cargo against her chest. "Lets just lay down and let me hold you, sweetie. I need to hold you and make sure you're okay. Let me take care of you." she soothed as she carefully tucked the half sleeping blonde in under the covers before joining her.


	16. Chapter 16

I See You

Chapter 16

The morning came quickly. Amanda opened her eyes slowly, letting them get use to the light streaming in through the window. She was still tired. So tired. Exhausted and worn out to the bone. She looked to the right, expecting to see Liv sound asleep but the brunette was nowhere to be seen. _Something must've happened while I was sleeping ,_ she instantly thought, pushing herself up with her elbows trying not to focus on the pain but her by girl instead.

Liv had been talking to the doctor about Amanda's baby's condition. He sounded optimistic. There was no brain damage and her little heart seemed to have improved, beating more steadily just overnight. Her breathing was still an issue but the doctor didn't really seem too concerned about it. Saying that it usually takes a few weeks to strengthen her lungs so she eventually can breath on her own. Liv was relieved by the positive feedback and thanked him before joining Amanda.

When she entred the room she saw the blonde swinging her legs over the side of the bed, standing up and almost collapsing to the floor. Liv was quick and rushed forward and caught her just in time. "Whoa, sweetie." she murmured gently, "slow down or you're gonna hurt yourself."

Amanda grabbed Liv by the arms and held on tight. "Wh... what's wrong? Did something happen to my baby? How long was I asleep for? You should've woke me up."

Liv silenced her. "Hey, it's okay. I was just speaking to the doctor. Here, sit back down." she gestured and helped the blonde getting herself seated. "I actually have some good news but I don't want you to get your hopes up, honey. Anything can still happen."

Amanda frowned, still concern and dread written on her face. "What?" she demanded.

Liv took a hold of her chilled hand, warming them with her own. "The doctor said that her heartbeat is stronger and steadier. There is no sign of brain damage and he believes that her breathing will improve with time. Her lungs will have to build up their own strength and it will be easier for her to breath on her own."

Blue eyes narrowed. "How is that possible? I mean, how can her heart improve just overnight?" it was too good to be true and Amanda had grown up learning that nothing good lasts and that there was always a catch to things that seemed too easy or too perfect. "I... I don't understand."

Liv stroked her cheek with her knuckles, wanting to sooth the ache and confusion away. "It's quite common for premature babies to have heart arrhythmia. When they leave the womb and enter the world it can be a shock to their system and the heart is beating abnormally because of the trauma of being born too early. After a while the heartbeats evens out as the baby gets use to being outside the womb." Liv tried to explain everything that the doctor had already told her. Amanda still looked confused and didn't seem to be taking the information seriously or even believing any of it.

"Can I see her?" she whispered, fear and dread still evident.

Olivia brought her in for a gentle kiss and hoped her warm lips would have a calming effect on the blonde. It did. She felt Amanda relax under her touch and two tongues met passionately. Liv caressed her cheek as they continued tasting each other's mouths, feeling such a strong need to show her love and care. Her heart sped up as she heard a moan escaping Amanda's throat and she felt two arms pulling her closer, which startled the brunette slightly.

Amanda needed to feel, to feel something, anything at all that wasn't pain, fear or anger. Liv's lips felt so good against her own, the kiss grounded her, forcing her to stay in the present like a lifeline. She felt almost empty inside but somehow Liv always seemed to find a way to let warmth and safetiness in. She couldn't hold back the tears that began to flow, making their way down her cheeks.

The taller woman gently pulled away when the salty taste seeped into her mouth. Concerned she cupped Amanda's face between her hands, brushing the tears away with the pads of her thumbs. "Hey hey, sweetie." she soothed, "what's going on? Please tell me so I can help." her voice was pleading and she ran her fingers through tangled blonde locks, gently massaging the scalp underneath.

The blonde didn't trust her voice but knew that Liv needed to hear her. Tears continued their steady stream and her lower lip began to quiver slightly. To Liv she almost looked like a lost and lonely little girl. "Why... why is this... happening? What if she dies? I... I can't... I can't..."

Liv silenced her with a soft kiss. "Hey, stop thinking like that. Didn't you hear what I just said? She's improving, sweetheart. Her heart is stronger and the doctor is optimistic. That's good news." she sat down on the bed and wrapped her arms around quivering shoulders. "Shhh, its okay, baby. Let's just stay like this for a couple of minutes until you've calmed down and then we can go and see your daughter." the older detective placed soft kisses on her head and whispered soothing nonsense until she felt Amanda calm some. She turned Amanda's head towards her and wiped away the remaining tears with her sleeve.

"Come on, let's go and see your daughter. Just lean on me."

The next day Amanda was discharged with a clean bill of health. Taking it easy was her medicine and Olivia knew that that one was going to be difficult. Fin, Dodds and Carisi had been by with presents, diapers and take out food. They all got to see the baby laying in the incubator, small, pink and wrinkly. She was still the cutest thing in Amanda's eyes. Her precious child. Her baby. Liv had only left the hospital twize since the blonde was admitted. Once to shower, change and see Noah and the other to take care of some things down at the precinct. Olivia had brought Amanda some clothes since she refused to leave her baby's side.

"Liv, you can go home, I'll be fine. I'm sure Noah misses you and I feel terrible knowing that I'm keeping you away from your baby."

"You're not keeing me from anything Amanda. I want to be here for you." Liv insisted.

The blonde sighed. "Liv please! Go home and enjoy some time with your son. I know he misses you. You're his mother and it's wrong for you to be away from him for so long. Please, go and see him."

Now it was Liv's turn to sigh. She knew Amanda was right. Noah missed his mommy and the brunette missed her son, but she felt uneasy to leave Amanda on her own. It tore at her heart, having to be apart from two people she really cared about. "Okay, I'll leave for a while but promise you'll ring me if there's any changes."

Amanda gave her a half hearted smile and nodded. Liv reluctantly walked out of the room and headed towards the precinct to take care of a few things before seeing her son.

The blonde was so engrossed in her daughter that she didn't notice a presence behind her until a hand was physically placed on her shoulder. She jerked at the touch, unprepared and startled. "Fin?" she said surprised. "What are you doing here? Does Liv know you're here?"

Fin confidently snorted. "I'm on my lunch break, besides I don't have to run everything by Liv. I can handle her." he smirked.

Amanda raised her eyebrows. "I'm sure you can, partner." she muttered and turned her attention back to her baby.

"How's she doing?" Fin asked gently, not wanting to bombard her with questions even though he was dying to get some answers or any kind of update on his partner's baby.

The blonde sighed and shrugged, not tearing her eyes off of her child. "The doctor said she's doing a bit better. Her heart is stronger and there's no brain damage. All we can do now is wait and see how her breating turns out."

Again, Fin placed a hand on a nearby shoulder and gave it a firm squeeze. "She'll be okay. If she got any of your feistyness and strength she'll pull through." his voice was low and comforting and Amanda found herself missing hearing it. Even his smirks, cool attitude and his nonchalance was dearly missed in her everyday life and one part of her wanted everything to go back to normal. The way it use to be. "Have you thought about a name yet?"

Amanda shook her head. "No, I'm still trying to understand the fact that she's actually here. It... it all went so fast."

"Maybe you should name her 'Speedy Gonzales' then?" he joked, laughing at himself.

His partner couldn't help but to laugh, even though it sounded weak and pathetic. "Somehow I don't think that's going to go down very well. Specially as she gets older." She mused, greatful that her partner was trying to lighten the mood and put her in good spirits. Fin was just about to say something smart back to her when Amanda's baby's monitor started to beep frantically. Before eiter Amanda or Fin could react a bunch of nurses and doctors flooded the room. "Wh... what's happening? What's going on? Is she okay?" her questions fell on deaf ears since they were all too busy working on the tiny form in the incubator.

"We need to get her into surgery right away. Come on people, clear the way and let's go." one of the doctors shouted, making Amanda's heart skip several beats and her body instantly became ice cold.

"Surgery? What's going on?" the blonde tried again as the crew rushed her baby out of the room. A nurse lingered behind.

"I'm sorry, we're not sure what's going on right this minute. I'll try to keep you updated. Just remember that your daughter is in good hands." she said as she too rushed down the corridor.

Amanda was left in an empty and quiet hallway. Everything was spinning. The walls seemed to close in on her, her chest tightened and her breathing laboured. She could feel herself starting to sway and she reached out to grab someting to keep her from falling, anything, but she was only grasping at air. Suddenly she felt two strong arms catch her as her knees gave in.

"Easy, I've got you Manda." Fin managed to get her seated and pushed her head between her legs. "Slow breaths. Come on, you've got this partner. Just slow deep breaths."

Amanda was trying so hard to stay focused on her breathing that she didn't even register Fin making a quick phone call to Olivia about what had happened. She promised to be there in fifteen minutes. He found a nearby blanket on a trolley and placed it over Amanda's shaking shoulders but it's affect was minimal as she continued to shiver, her body almost jerking from the force of it. Fin didn't know what to do. He felt extremely helpless, useless and inadequate. This was his partner. His close friend that risked her own life, and her baby's, to make sure that he was safe and here he was, watching her struggle, gasping for air and clutching and clawing at his jacket to keep herself grounded. All he could do was to sit with her, talk to her and physically be there. Relief flooded through his body as he saw a concerned Liv running towards them. She was always better in situations like these.

"Amanda? Amanda honey?" she got down on one knee in front of the distraught blonde. "Baby, can you hear me? Come on sweetie, look at me."

 _Baby? Sweetie? Honey?_ Fin thought. Did he hear what he just thought he heard? Liv just referred to Amanda with several pet names. What was going on? He watched as Liv placed several kisses on her cheeks and forehead, stroking her hands up and down her arms, willing some warmth into the shocked body. It didn't take long before Amanda threw herself into Liv's arms and broke down in hysterical sobs. It then became clear to Fin of what was going on and he couldn't be more happier to see them together as a couple. Liv's voice brought him back to the present, asking him to get another couple of blankets and some sugary tea if he could find it.

He took off quickly, determined to complete his mission as soon as possible. Less than five minutes later he returned with the items requested. Liv gently wrapped the blankets around her still shivering form, sat down next to her with an arms securely draped over her shoulders. Fin held out the steaming tea for Liv to take. Amanda was shaking too badly she couldn't hold onto the cup by herself. The brunette held the paper cup firmly in her hand and brought it to Amanda's lips.

"Here, sweetheart. Just take a few sips, it'll make you feel a bit better. Be careful, it's hot." Amanda managed a few swallows and felt the sugar go straight into her bloodstream, clearing her head some. Liv gave the cup back to Fin as a new wave of tears hit Amanda hard.

Olivia practically pulled her onto her lap and held her, rocking her from side to side while whispering soothing words. "It'll be alright my love. I'm right here, I've got you. Shhh, everything will be okay, baby. Everything will be okay."


	17. Chapter 17

I See You

Chapter 17

It had been over an hour. One excruciatingly painful hour of not knowing what was going on. Amanda had cried herself into a drowsy state and could barely keep her red rimmed eyes open. Her body had stopped shaking but she was still cold to the touch so Liv decided to keep the blankets tightly wrapped around her. Fin was determined to stay until Liv said otherwise. He wanted to be there for his partner and Liv understood that and would not tell him to leave unless they got a case. Finally the doctor came through the double doors, looking tired and defeated. They all feared the worst. Liv felt Amanda tense up in her arms and she brought her closer to her own warmth.

"You have a very lucky baby girl, Ms Rollins. She had developed a clot in her left lung which compromised her oxygen levels. It can happen very quickly. She'll be out shortly so you can see her. She's still sedated but should come out of it within the hour."

Everybody let out a sigh of relief. Amanda closed her eyes and felt her body begin to shake once again but not from shock or cold this time. She was experiencing extreme relief and gratitude. Her baby was still alive and fighting. She started to cry once more even though she thought she had no tears left in her.

"There's more good news." the doctor said and offered them all a smile. "Her oxygen level has actually improved. She's still breathing with the help of the machine but hopefully it can be removed sooner rather than later."

Amanda knew she would have collapsed onto the floor if she wasn't already sitting down. Her body just went limp and she could barely keep herself upright, her face went pale and her eyes rolled back. Liv was quick to support her by placing an arm around her shoulders and her hand underneath her chin to keep her head up. Seconds later the blonde vomited down the front of her shirt. The stress finally leaving her body after the traumatic ordeal.

Liv withdrew her hand and placed it on Amanda's forehead instead, gasping at the heat that radiated from her skin. "She's burning up." she quickly stated ad looked at the doctor with concern.

He stepped forward and checked the temperature himself. "It's probably her body reacting to the stress. It's quite common. Its her body's way of handing and coping with the trauma. I'll get her a pair of scrubs she can wear and some Tylenol for the fever. Take her home after that, make sure she eats something and plenty of rest."

Fin had already found a dink dispenser and brought her a cup of cool water. Liv helped her sip it slowly. "I'm... I'm not going... home." Amanda managed to rasp out between small swallows. "I need... to be... here."

Olivia lovingly brushed blond tresses away from her sticky face. "Not a chance, Rollins. I'm taking you home to my place, end of discussion." Amanda was too tired to argue and simply closed her eyes as another wave of nausea hit her. More bile ended up on her shirt and she whimpered in response. "Shhh," Liv soothed and stroked her face, not bothered by the smell or the sight. "You're gonna be okay, sweetheart. Just relax and breath."

The doctor came back with a set of pale blue scrubs and two tablets which Amanda swallowed with the left over water. "There's a bathroom just down the hall where she can change. Bring her in if she gets worse, altough I doubt it."

They thanked him and by the help of the brunette and Fin they managed to support the blonde all the way to the toilet. Fin waited outside as Liv gently pushed Amanda down onto the toilet seat. "I need you to raise your arms for me, honey." normally Amanda would protest and be embarrassed in a situation like this but she was too out of it to care. Liv eased the vomit soaked shirt over her head and tossed it in the bin. "I'll get you a new shirt, okay." she said softly and draped the scrub top over her head and pulled it down. Amanda's stomach was still visibly swollen and she couldn't help but to look at the red fresh scar on her lower belly from the incision.

She felt so sorry for her friend. Her pregnancy had been painful, the delivery had been painful and now she had to deal with the aftermath of the stress and her baby being so sick. How much can a person take? Was this ever going to end? "There's no vomit on your pants so we'll leave them on, okay. Place you arms around my neck and I'll help you up."

Weakly, Amanda reached up and encircled her shaking arms around the older woman's neck and felt herself being lifted. As she got to her feet she tightened the hold and hid her face in Olivia's chest, letting out a shaky breath. Olivia rubbed her back soothingly. "You're gonna be okay, baby. Just let me worry about things." she whispered in a nearby ear, "just let me take care of you." she kissed the blonde head tucked under her chin before pulling away. "Come on, Fin will help us to get to my car."

It took them a few extra minutes to get to Olivia's car because Amanda was so weak. When she was seated she turned towards a worried Fin. "Thanks for everything. Would you mind telling Dodds to hold down the fort for a couple of days? I need to make sure she's okay."

Fin enveloped his boss in a strong hug. "Take as long as you need. Just take care of her and tell her we're all here for her."

"I will, thanks again." she repeated and stepped out of the embrace.

"Oh, and by the way," Fin said, "I'm happy for both of you."

Olivia knew what he meant and just smiled and nodded. "Thanks, Fin. I'll keep you updated."

Amanda rested her burning forehead against the cool glass of the car window. It felt good and comforting. The journey to Liv's place wasn't long but feeling so sick it felt ten time longer. Carefully Olivia helped Amanda out of the car, up the stairs and into her apartment. She was instantly greeted with a big grin from her son and she felt her heart swell with pride at the sight. Lucy came into sight and she also smiled at the toddler's mother. She was just about to ask Olivia about her day when she saw the blonde sickly woman beside her. "What happened?" she asked wearily.

Liv got Amanda to sit down on the couch and explained everything to her babysitter. Amanda would usually object in a scenario like this. She hated when people talked about her in front of her but she was drifting in and out of sleep and didn't really see or hear anything around her. She was emotionally drained.

"As much as it breaks my heart I need you to pack a bag for Noah and take him to uncle Fin down at the precinct for a couple of days. I know he won't mind. He's been bugging me about seeing him for ages. I know I have asked a lot of you the past few days and I promise I'll make it up to you. I just have to make sure Amanda is okay and I don't want Noah to see her like this. It would probably be too upsetting for him."

Lucy was eager to please. "Sure, of course, and don't worry about me." she insisted, "take care of your friend, she obviously means a lot to you." the young woman could tell that the poor blonde was special to Olivia and found herself feeling happy for her. "Why don't you play with Noah while I pack a bag. Your friend is sound asleep anyway and she'll be fine on the sofa for a few minutes."

Olivia sat down on the floor next to her son who was happily playing with his cars and trucks, making noises that made his spit fly everywhere. "Hey there baby boy." Liv pulled him into her lap and nuzled her nose in his brown locks, feeling the need to smell his soothing baby scent to calm herself own. "Guess what? You're gonna go stay with uncle Fin for a couple of days and you're gonna have so much fun. Would you like that baby?" she spoke quietly to not wake the sleeping woman. Noah squealed in delight when he heard Fin's name being mentioned. "Yeah! Uncle Fin!" Olivia repeated, glad and relieved that her son took the news so well.

Lucy came back with an oversized bag, not wanting to forget anything. "All done. If there's anything else you need just let me know. I mean it." she stated seriously.

Liv kissed her son on his pudgy cheek before handing him over to Lucy. "Thank you so much for doing this. It means a lot and I also ment what I said about making it up to you, I promise."

"Don't worry about me, Olivia. I'll have my phone on me at all times if you ever need me." she gave the detective a quick hug before heading out the door.

Sighing, she turned towards the couch and saw Amanda's eyes open and close several times. She had to get her into bed where she would be more comfortable. She had no guestroom, just a nursery, so they would have to share the bed. Luckily it was king size so space wouldn't be a problem. With a lot of effort she got the blonde to drink a glass of water, get her into a set of pyjamas and seated on the bed. The brunette helped to ease her down and covered her up with the thick duvet and a blanket.

"Just sleep, baby. I'll be right here." she whispered and stroked the flushed face. Tears welled up in her eyes as she thought about what hell Amanda must have gone through all alone. She didn't understand how someone could be so stubbornly independent and strong? And look how things turned out. Maybe things would be different if Amanda could've let go of her pride and ask for help. She didn't blame the blonde for ending up in this situation but she couldn't help but to think if there was anything she could've done differently? Maybe if she had opened her eyes sooner she would've seen Amanda struggle and step in and help? Why and how did things turn out this way?

The blonde moaned softly and turned her head from side to side. "Shh! You're okay, sweetie. Just go to sleep, I'll be right here when you wake up. Let me help you and take care of you." she hushed. When Amanda calmed down she swiftly changed into her own pyjamas, slid in next to the sleeping form and propped herself up, resting on her elbow. "I'm right here, sweetheart. I'll be right here if you need me." she began to softly stroke Amanda's arm and smoothed her hair back from her burning face.

She was slightly taken aback when the blonde suddenly spoke, "you won't leave?"

To Olivia the question sounded so vulnerable and fearful and it broke her heart that Amanda had such a hard time trusting people and letting people help when she needed it. "No, my love. I won't leave. I'll never leave, I promise." she gently kissed the face beneath her, stroking her hair and spoke words of love and comfort until she was certain that Amanda had fully drifted off to a deep slumber. Not until then she felt comfortable enough to relax, let go and slowly joined her friend in a much needed sleep.


	18. Chapter 18

I See You

Chapter 18

When Amanda woke up her head felt heavy and throbbing painfully. She knew straight away that she was dehydrated and exhausted. The room was darkish with only the streetlamps outside offering a faint light. She became aware of a presence next to her and saw Olivia, brown hair fanned out on the pillow, mouth slightly open and her hand resting on Amanda's shoulder. She just looked at the sleeping woman, admiring the beauty, the softness and the strength her aura presented. She wished she could be more like Liv. Gracious and stoic.

Her stomach suddenly churned but she managed to breath it out and the nausea slowly subsided. She felt dirty, sticky and just plain awful and a shower sounded like heaven right about now. She slowly began to sit up by swinging her legs over the edge and sat upright. Bad idea. Her stomach once again turned and she had no choice but to run to the bathroom. Luckily Olivia had an aun suite so he didn't have to run far.

The sound of a liquid gush hitting water and a violent cough brought the brunette into a waking state. It took her a few seconds to remember that Amanda was staying at her place and that she was ill. Immediately she rushed towards the bathroom and saw the blonde violently heaving over the toilet. Quickly she grabbed a face cloth and wet it. "Oh, sweetie. Why didn't you wake me?" she pressed the the damp cool cloth against Amanda's face and neck hearing her moan in appreciation. "That's it. Feels good, uh?"

Amanda swallowed and almost threw up again from the rancid taste in her mouth. Nothing was coming up cause she had nothing left in her stomach. Dry heaves came and went, causing Amanda's body to shake and tense up from the physical strain. When the last heave left her body she could barely keep her head up so Olivia had to hold her face with her hands as the blonde gasped for air. "You're okay. You're okay. Just breath for me baby. Slow deep breaths, in and out. It's alright, I'm here to help you through this."

As Amanda calmed and remained control of her breathing she studied Olivia's face thatvwas hovering over her etched with concern. "I'm... I'm sorry." the blonde slightly panted.

Liv frowned but continued to gently wipe her face. "You have nothing to be sorry for. Your body is reacting to the stress of everythin you've gone through these past few days. If you don't look after yourself then I will." she smiled gently, finding an elastic and pulled blonde hair away from her face and neck. "I know that you're tired sweetie but do you think you're up to taking a bath? I don't think a standing shower would be wise. It's better if you can sit down, and after that we'll see if you can eat something and take more Tylenol?"

Amanda just nodded, too tired to speak. As Liv prepared the bath she handed the blonde a towel and she had somehow managed to get undressed without Liv seeing. Amanda had always been slightly self conscious about her body even though she had a beautiful figure, toned muscles and the softest skin. She was even more conscious now with her protruding belly and an angry red scar. She didn't want Liv to see any of it.

When the bath was half filled Liv added some bubbles, turned off the tap and reached for Amanda's hand. "Come on, I'll help you in." Amanda pulled the towel tighter around her and shrugged back looking at Liv's outstretched hand like it was an alien. "Amanda, baby. I'm here to help you in any way I can so please let me. You have nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed of. You are beautiful."

A few seconds passed before Amanda took a tentative step forward, then another and another. She was now standing next to the big bath, her knees touching the edge and she felt Liv's gentle hands unwrap the big fluffy towel. The brunette didn't look. She wanted Amanda to have some dignity left by being somewhat in control. When she was seated she felt Olivia's hand on her back, soothing her with a wash cloth to rinse off the sweat, dirt and grime that the fever caused.

She washed her arms, back and neck with the cloth trying not to look at the toned body just inches away. She didn't want to take advantage by checking her out like a pervert but the smooth pale skin appeared so soft and inviting. Quickly she snapped out of her haze. "Would you like me to wash your hair, sweetie?"

Amanda turned her head with great effort and looked at Liv with half open eyes and nodded. "Please." she whispered. Liv gently pulled the elastic out and blonde locks fell down on defined shoulders in a flowing manner. Rabbing the showerhead she adjusted it to the right temperature before placing it over Amanda's head and instantly soaked her hair. As she was working the shampoo into the tresses she heard a moan slip from Amanda's slightly parted lips. "You doing okay?" Liv asked and was greeted with a nod as she softly worked her fingers across her scalp, temples and neck, putting extra care into her actions before rinsing out the foam.

Amanda had her eyes closed, too tired to keep them open, too tired to care, too tired to feel embarrassed or ashamed for being naked in front of her boss and too tired to protest when she felt strong arms wrap around her naked frame to help her stand. Olivia took in the beauty before her. The well shaped muscles, the voluptuous breasts, the dark blond patch of curls between her thighs and her swollen stomach. She was simply breathtaking. But now was not the time to think about her own desires. Amanda was sick and needed her help not her lustful stares.

She got Amanda dried and dressed. Her hair was towel dried to get the most of the water out, leaving it down so it could dry naturally. "You think you can eat something? Something plain?" Liv suggested softly and brushed damp hair behind Amanda's ear. The blonde just nodded weakly and Liv helped her into the kitchen to sit down. "How about some dry toast and peppermint tea? It'll help settle your stomach. I also want you to take two more of these," she gave Amanda two Tylenol and a big glass of water. "Try to drink as much as you can, sweetie."

Amanda swallowed the pills and drank most of the water. Her stomach cramped up but she ignored it and took another big swallow of the cool liquid, feeling it soothing her throat from the stomach acid. She dreaded the toast but ate two slices surprisingly well and finished the tea even though she was not a big fan of peppermint. She was amazed how better she felt. Her stomach seemed to settle some and her head cleared up a bit.

"I need to go to the hospital. I need to be there." she got up from the chair and began stumbling towards the door.

Two arms firmly grabbed her from behind. "Hey, you're in no condition to go anywhere. You're staying right here so I can keep an eye on you."

"I don't need a babysitter." the blonde snapped and tried to break free from the firm hold Olivia had her in. "I need to see my baby. Please, just let me go." she yanked her arm free and a cry of pain filled the room as she felt her shoulder twinge causing her eyes to tear up.

Olivia slowly led her to the couch and sat her down. "Listen." she firmly stated, slightly angry at Amanda for not understanding the severity of her condition and how serious it could turn out to be. "I know you want to see your baby girl, sweetie, I know. I also know that if you go and see her you're gonna get worse and what if you have a stomach bug with all the vomiting you've done? A bug like that could kill your baby! She's not strong enough to fight off viruses or anything that is contagious. If you feel better by tomorrow, then I'll take you, but until then you're not leaving. I can phone the hospital and ask how she's doing if that would make you feel better? You've been through enough the past few days, sweetheart, and I just want to see you happy and healthy. Please, listen to me and let me take care of you."

Amanda sniffled but held her tears back. She knew Liv was right. What if she had a bug? She didn't want to give it to her child. Why didn't she think of that herself? Why was she so selfish and careless? "Okay." she rasped and brushed her tears away with the back of her hand, feeling the pain in her shoulder starting to ebb away.

Olivia fished out her phone from her pocket and made the call. The baby girl was doing well considering the circumstances and Amanda felt relieved afte hearing the good news. She still wanted to be there, close to her daughter, looking at her, touching her but that was not an option right now and she had to accept that. Her mood picked up slightly after Olivia made the call.

It was getting dark outside and the temperature had dropped a bit making the inside of Liv's apartment seem cooler. Amanda sat on the sofa not knowing what to do or say. She couldn't believe she had agreed to stay with Liv, in her place, in her bed but here she was, doing just that. It felt... strange.

"Would you like to watch a movie or go back to bed?" Liv interrupted her thoughts.

"Um, a movie sounds good." the blonde replied and tucked her legs underneath her, making herself as comfortable as possible. Liv decided on a comedy that she had recorded a few days prior but hadn't had time to watch yet. The movie started and the brunette scooted in close to Amanda and grabbed a blanket.

"Come here, honey." she said gently and opened her arms for Amanda. "Would it be okay if I hold you?" not trusting her voice the blonde edged closer and felt Liv's arms go around her completely and how her head was softly placed on a strong shoulder. "If you get tired you can just fall asleep, okay? I won't mind." she softly kissed the blonde damp hair and rubbed Amanda's upper arm comfortingly through the blanket.

Twenty minutes into the movie Liv felt the body in her arms go heavy and a soft snore escaped the blonde's lips. Smiling Olivia pulled the blanket tighter around the sleeping form and positioned herself so Amanda's head was peacefully resting on her lap while she lovingly ran her fingers through her slightly tangled hair.

As the credits were rolling on the tv screen at the end of the movie, Amanda jerked, fully awake and sitting up. "Sorry, I... I didn't mean to fall asleep on you."

"It's okay," Liv comforted, "I told you I wouldn't mind. I'm glad you got some rest though. Think you can handle some real food? When Noah is sick and throwing up I usually just give him some plain boiled potatoes mashed up with a bit of butter. Think you can manage some?"

Amanda frowned at the idea of eating just potatoes but it was better than nothing. "I'm not two years old but I'll try." she said amused, causing Liv to smirk.

"Good. Just sit tight and relax, it'll be done in ten minutes."

As Liv began to root around the kitchen, the blonde looked around the apartment, admiring the decor. It was simple and elegant. No clutter on shelves or bookcases, everything was neatly placed and everything seemed to be in it's place. The only things scattered around were Noah's toys. Amanda looked over in the corner next to the tv and saw a big plastic storage box full of toys, kids dvds and cds. Noah was one lucky little boy and she instantly felt bad for Olivia that he wasn't here and it was all her fault. It also suddenly hit her that she had nothing for her baby. She had been so busy with work, her sister's trial and her mother being a total bitch that she hadn't had time to go shopping. She thought she would have about two months at least to get rhe stuff she needed but since the baby clearly wanted to come early there was nothing in Amanda's apartment that was suitable for a child. Not even a cot or a teddy bear.

It made her feel like a bad mother for not being proactive about it. A mother? She was a mother! The word sounded scary in her mind and she shook it to clear it from bad thoughts about herself. She would do better from now on. Her daughter would have everything she possibly could want and more. She was determined to make things better for her daughter.


	19. Chapter 19

I See You

Chapter 19

Amanda spent the whole day at the hospital, feeling a lot better after Liv's potato concoction. Her baby girl was doing better and her oxygen level had once again slightly improved. The doctor told her that maybe in a few days the breathing tube could come out if the stats reached the desired goal. It was good news and Amanda felt calm and confident enough that her little girl would make it.

Liv had been right beside her the whole time, ready to help in any way possible. When the brunette glanced at the clock she realised that it was already eight pm. "Manda, honey! We should get going. It's getting late and you still need to rest. We'll come back in the morning, okay. I'll collect Noah from Fin's place and we'll come straight here, I promise." she held her hand out for the blonde to take.

Liv's hand was warm compared to Amanda's cold and clammy one and it was a welcoming feeling. Nodding she slowly stood up from the uncomfortable chair. She looked down at her baby and said a silent prayer in her head before walking out, hand in hand with Olivia.

Back at Liv's apartment Amanda began to feel anxious. Anxious about her baby, about her job, about her relationship with Olivia, her boss and her whole life. Everything had changed so much in the matter of just a few days, it was hard to take it all in. She couldn't put a name to all her feelings that were swirling around inside of her and she didn't really know what to do with herself. She wanted, no needed, to feel. Feel something. Anything.

Olivia sensed something was up due to Amanda's silence, distant look and her fidgety actions. The blonde was sitting on the couch and was slightly startled when the older detective sar down next to her and took her hand. "Honey, talk to me." she said gently, tilting her head to the side and looked Amanda straight in the eyes. "Baby, please tell me what's going through your head right now?"

Tears instantly formed in Amanda's blue eyes and she threw herself into Liv's arms, who was surprised by the blonde's sudden action. "Oh, baby. Shhh, it's okay sweetness. It's okay." Amanda cried in her arms but she still hadn't uttered a verbal response to her outbreak. She just cried and cried while Liv lovingly peppered her head and face with gentle kisses and touches, supporting her through the storm that was raging. When she finally had calmed down some Liv pulled away to face her. "What's going on, baby? Please tell me so I can help. It breaks my heart to see you like this and I don't know what you're thinking or what's going on in your head, baby. I desperately want to help you but you have to talk to me, sweetie. Please, talk to me." Even Olivia's brown eyes began to fill up.

Amanda saw the love and care in the brunette's eyes and she felt so special and protected in Liv's presence and especially in her arms. She was so greatful to have this woman in her life and she had never cared for anyone like she cared about Liv before. Not even close. It was overwhelming, big, surreal and confusing. Was this love? Was she in love with this woman? In love with her boss and friend? Her heart felt like it was about to burst through her chest any minute and her emotions were all over the place. She opened her mouth to say something but no words came out.

"Honey," Olivia soothed and turned so she was sitting sidways so she had a better angle to reach the blonde. "It's okay. Whatever you're feeling or thinking, it's okay. It's okay, baby."

Finally Amanda felt confident enough to speak. "I... I think I... I think I love you." she whispered, immediately regretting it when she saw the shock on Liv's face. Thinking she screwed everything up, she began to stand up and got ready to flee but was stopped when a pair of warm lips crashed with her own. The kiss was passionate, lustful and rough, not like any of the kisses they had shared before. Lips parted and tongues met forcefully, licking, sucking and exploring everything in it's path.

When the need for air became too much Liv was the first to pull away, breathlessly. "I love you too." she stroked her knuckles over Amanda's cheek and gently brushed at the drying tears.

The blonde became extremely aroused and could feel the wetness starting to build up and her crotch throbbed with the need to be touched. This is what she needed. This is what she wanted. She wanted Olivia. She wanted Olivia's touch, craving her attention, her kisses and her body. Licking her bruised lips the blonde kissed her again but gently this time, lingering as long as she dared to. "Please... make love to me, Liv. I need... I need to... I need..." she couldn't voice what she needed. She didn't even trust her voice to speak but Olivia seemed to understan.

"Come on." the brunette offered her a hand and together they made their way into the bedroom. Olivia gently cupped Amanda's face and kissed her with such love and care it took Amanda all her willpower not to break down and cry again. "I want you to relax and just go with what your body tells you. I'm gonna go slow, you're in control and we can stop at any time, okay?"

The shorter woman just nodded shakily. She felt scared and exposed as Liv slowly began to undress her but she was so turned on that those feelings became distant and insignificant. Normally she would be self conscious because of her scars from her injuries and from her recent surery but she knew that Liv didn't care about them and wouldn't hurt her or cause her any pain. Two minutes later Amanda was standing naked in front f Olivia, her knees about to give out from the intensity of it all.

"Sit." Liv gently urged and eased Amanda down to sit on the edge of the bed. She got down on her knees and began kissing and licking Amanda's neck and throat, sucking at her pulse point causing the blonde to moan and pressed Liv's mouth closer by placing a hand at the back of her head. She could feel her wetness coating the bed sheets and she knew it wouldn't take much for her to reach an orgasm.

The brunette kissed her way down to her breasts and gently took a pink errect nipple into her mouth and gave it a firm tug. "Fuck!" Amanda moaned and threw her head back, arching her back so Liv could take more of her breast into her warm wet mouth. With her hand Olivia began to play with the other nipple, squeezing it and rolling it between her fingers causing Amanda to squirm and cry out.

Olivia swapped breasts and began sucking on the other nipple, not wanting to neglect the precious bud. She could smell Amanda's arousal in the room and she couldn't wait to taste and touch her wetness. She kissed her way down to the still protruding stomach and gently caressed the fresh scar with her lips, kissing around it. "You're so beautiful, Amanda. So so beautiful." she murmured between kisses and licks. Placing her hands on the blonde's ass, she forcefully pushed her towards her and further out on the edge.

Softly she began to caress the insides of smooth thighs, pushing her legs further apart as she did so. She looked up at Amanda's face, needing to know if she was okay with what she was about to do. The blonde had her eyes closed and her mouth sligtly open. That was all Liv needed to see. Pushing her legs wide open she didn't waste any time before lowering her head and took in the beauty before her. The sight of Amanda's drenched sex was enough for Liv and she felt her own panties moisten rapidly.

Bringing her hand up she gently parted Amanda's swollen lips to reveal the pink bundle of nerves. Liv instantly wrapped her whole mouth around it and flickered it firmly with her tongue.

"Oh, fuck!" Amanda screamed, throwing her head back once again. "Don't stop. God, that feels so good." her legs were shaking with need and her breathing laboured. She was in heaven. Never had she been so sexually aroused before and no one had ever made her feel so incredible.

Liv continued to suckle on the engorged clit, tracing her tongue round it, dipping down to her opening and then back up again. Suddenly she grabbed one of Amanda's legs and placed her foot on the wooden frame of the bed and did the same with the other. Amanda was now fully exposed, legs wide open and her pussy on full display. Gently but firmly Liv pushed two fingers inside her soaked opening and curled her fingers upwards, rubbing against the spot she knew would bring Amanda to climax.

As she continued to suck and lick her wollen clit, Liv pumped her fingers in and out of the tight opening and was greeted with moans and whimpers from the blonde. Olivia was on cloud nine. She never thought that this day would happen. Ever since she started developing feelings for the younger detective she would push the sexual thoughts away, thinking it would never happen. Now, with her mouth and lips tasting the sweet juices, her hands touching every inch and curve and her fingers burried deep within her pussy, she was certain that it was happening.

She kept her fingers pumping, stroking the spot inside and greedily licked at her clit when she suddenly felt Amanda tense up before she began to shake with pure pleasure. "Oh fuck me! Yes, yes, yes!"

Those words were all Liv needed to hear as she kept up her steady rythm as Amanda rode out her orgasm, wave after wave of cheer bliss and ecstasy. "Oh, baby!" Liv moaned against her pussy as she felt a little gush of liquid hit her palm. Only when Amanda's body began to slow it's shaking and relax under her touch, did she gradually reduce her motions until she came to a complete stop, before pulling out. Olivia had never experienced something so erotic, sexual and pleasurable in her life and she was honored to be apart of it.

Amanda's, now limp legs, slipped off the wooden frame and Olivia placed her arm under her knees, the other around her shoulders and gently laid her down on the bed. Swiftly she discarded her own jeans and sweater before joining her under the covers wearing only a tank top and panties. She pulled the blonde into her arms and held her, feeling the aftermath of the orgasm still running through her. "Shh, just relax, baby." she soothed and kissed her flushed forehead and cheek while stroking her bare back with her fingertips. "You are so beautiful. Thank you for trusting me enough to let me touch you and love you." she whispered.

Satisfied was not even close to what Amanda was feeling. She felt physically drained, sexually drained, exhausted, breathless, overwhelmed and so much more. She didn't trust her voice. Couldn't find the courage or the right words to speak. She just burried her face in the crook of Liv's neck and inhaled her comforting scent.

Liv tucked the covers tighter around them and continued to sooth the blonde until she was completely calm and the shaking had stopped. "Shhh, slow breaths, honey. You're okay. That was incredible and you are so stunningly and perfectly beautiful my love. Absolutely perfect. Just sleep now and we'll go see your baby girl in the morning."

Amanda pulled her face away from the comfortable spot and gave Liv a questioning look. Smiling, Olivia brushed blonde hair behind an ear. "Don't worry about me, sweetheart. Tonight is all about you and now, you need to sleep. I can see how tired you are. Just close your eyes and sleep."

With those words Amanda once again positioned herself close to Liv's neck so she could breath in the smell of Olivia. The brunette continued to stroke her back gently and placed gentle kisses on her head now and then until she felt the soft snores tickling her throat. She could get use to this.


	20. Chapter 20

I See You

Chapter 20

Amanda woke up from a deep slumber. Glancing at the clock she was surprised to see that it was only 4 am and she was wide awake. Soft snores could be heard next to her and her thoughts went back to a few hours prior. Smiling at the memory she turned and reached out her hand to gently stroke the brunette's cheek. How did she ever get so lucky?, she thought. Olivia was everything she wanted and needed and she realised now that she had her.

Her sex still tingled from the intense orgasm she had experienced earlier and her nipples were slightly sore, but in a good way. She couldn't get the image of Olivia burried between her thighs, sucking her clit, out of her head. It was so erotic and sexual it made her sex twitch with need once again. She also wanted to give back what Liv had given her but didn't get a chance before sleep overtook all her senses. Now, she was laying awake next to the sexiest woman alive and extremely horny. She needed to touch and feel Liv all over again. Wanting to make sure that what had happened earlier wasn't a dream.

She hovered over Liv's face, so close she could feel her breath on her face, and slowly she kissed her slightly parted lips. Olivia instantly woke up and responded. Turning to her side she brought one hand up to cup the blonde's face. "Hey, baby." she whispered between kisses, "you okay?" she gently urged. Considering the early hour she wondered why Amanda was awake in the first place.

"I just... I wanted to make sure you were still here and that... and that what happened earlier did actually happen. I woke up and thought that maybe... maybe it had only been a dream." she whispered with a low and sad voice it tore at Liv's heartstrings.

"Oh baby! It did happen and I'm so glad it did." she kissed her again with passion to make her understand that everything was real. "Let me show you again." The brunette began kissing her with gusto, putting everything she felt for the blonde into the kiss but was startled when Amanda pulled back.

"No," she whispered, her voice thick with lust, "I need to touch you. To feel you. Please?" her blue eyes welled up with tears and she couldn't understand why she suddenly became so emotional and needy.

Olivia frowned in concern but nodded. The vulnerability in Amanda's eyes spoke for itself and Liv wiped away a stray tear with the pad of her thumb. In under ten seconds, the older detective was naked with an equally naked Amanda on top. Their bodies fit perfectly together and the blonde couldn't get enough of the smooth tanned skin.

She latshed onto a dark nipple and sucked it firmly into her mouth, licking sucking and biting. Olivia pushed her upper body from the bed, needing more. Amanda didn't waste any time. She needed to feel Liv, touch her, smell her, taste her and make her hers. Slipping her hand down between their bodies she gently stroked Olivia's pubic hair. "Oh yes, baby. Please!" she pleaded as skilled fingers went even lower and finally found her pulsing clit.

Feeling Liv's wetness against her hand and fingers made her eyes fill up with tears again. She was so angry and frustrated with herself for being such an emotional wreck all the time but she couldn't help it. The brunette squirmed under her touch, pushing herself frantically towards Amanda's exploring hand.

The blonde switched positions so that one of her legs were in between Olivia's open ones. Her fingers found Liv's slick opening and swiftly entered her. "Oh fuck!" the brunette cried out as she felt two fingers thrust deep inside her. With the help of her own leg Amanda pushed Liv's shaking limbs further apart to get better access to her needy pussy. "Oh yes, fuck me Amanda. Please fuck me!"

Olivia's hips was thrusting violently against her hand and she knew that the brunette was close but the blonde needed more. She stopped moving her fingers, which caused a disappointed whimper coming from Olivia, slid down her tall frame, fingers still inside and immediately took the swollen clit between her lips, sucking hard. "Fuck!" she groaned between clenched teeth, pushing her hips harder into Amanda's face, shamelessly. "Oh fuck me baby! That's it, keep doing that, don't stop! Don't stop!"

Amanda pumped her fingers in and out feeling Olivia's opening tighten around her fingers. Only then did she pick up the speed with her tongue, licking and sucking profusely on the pink delicious bud. That was all it took and Olivia's body went ridgid for one second before a mind blowing orgasm shot through her every fibre and she came crashing down, rubbing her pussy against Amanda's face. "I'm coming, I'm coming, I'm coming... Ohh fuck, I'm coming!"

Her orgasm lasted longer than any orgasm she ever had before. Her body shook from intense pleasure, her heels digging deeply into the mattress, her toes curling and her back arched. She could feel Amanda slowing down her movements as she slowly came down from her high and her body went limp. Panting she struggled to regain the control of her breathing, whimpering slightly as she felt Amanda's slender didgits pull out from inside of her.

The blonde climbed back up to face Olivia's flushed face, kissing her hard on the lips, making the brunette taste her own scent. Olivia pulled her in close and held her as she felt the tremors ease. Amanda was trembling herself from the intense and emotional moment, her own breathing ragged and strained. "Thank you, baby. That was absolutely mind blowing."

Amanda smiled gently and once again brought their lips together for a searing kiss. Without warning Liv lowered her hand and found Amanda's drenched sex and began to play with her enlarged clitoris. The blonde pushed herself hard against the working hand, needing more friction. She opened her legs wider to give Liv better access to her whole pussy and moaned as long fingers slipped through her soaked flesh. "Move up, baby." Liv instructed, "I want to taste you. Can I taste you?" she whispered against the blonde's mouth. Amanda just nodded, feeling too overwhelmed to speak. "I want you to sit on my face. I need to taste you so badly, baby. Please!"

On shaky legs, Amanda kneeled over Olivia's face and lowered her pussy onto her mouth. As soon as Liv's tongue began working it's magic the younger woman instantly started to thrust her hips to the rythm Olivia had created. Liv's long tongue went in and out of her wet opening and with every thrust she could feel her clit rubbing up against the detective's nose. She was close, so close already. Just a minute longer and she would be sent over the edge and into oblivion.

Suddenly she gasped as a new sensation overwhelmed her senses. Her body shook with pleasure as Liv used her thumb to play around the rim of Amanda's ass. It was such a turn on. She had never been touch there before and the sudden movement caused her to cry out. "Oh god, fuck! Oh Liv, it feels so good." that was all Liv needed to hear before she went all the way and inserted her whole didgit into the tight anal opening. Amanda was losing all her dignity, all her decorum as she shamelessly rubbed her drenched sex over Olivia's face. Her clit rubbing against her nose, Liv's tongue lapping at her juices and her thumb pumping sensually in and out.

"I'm gonna come... I'm gonna come... Oh god, I'm gonna... Ah fuck yes!" Amanda screamed out her orgasm as she steadily rode the finger still firmly placed in her ass. She thought the previous orgasm she had was out of this world but this new sensation of being touched and fingered anally went to a whole new level of pleasure.

Olivia lapped and licked at the juices from her lover's sex and slowly she pulled out her thumb from it's tight position, causing Amanda to whimper and tremble at the loss of contact. Liv had to help her lay down since her knees were shaking almost uncontrollably. She felt so happy and content knowing she had given such pleasure to Amanda. She pulled her sweaty body close and caressed her naked back and kissed her head over and over. "So beautiful." she murmured as the blonde went limp in her arms. "Did you like that, baby?" she asked softly and pulled Amanda even closer.

"Y... yes." her voice was shaky, too unstable to speak, her chest heaving from the intense climax.

"Let's get some more sleep, sweetie. We have to get up soon." she cuddled the blonde as close as she could, kissing a sweaty brow. "Thank you for letting me love you." she whispered after a few minutes of silence, thinking that Amanda was already asleep but got slightly surprised as a soft reply reached her ears.

"Thank youfor loving me and thank you for letting _me_ love _you._ " together they fell back asleep, the world still spinning outside the window, people walking on the streets below in the city that never sleeps.

"Mama!" the little toddler lit up as he saw his mommy's face and reached his arms up, wanting to hug his mom. Fin chuckled as Noah fussed in his arms as he let him down so he could run over to where Olivia was placed on one knee, arms out, ready to get attacked.

"Hi, my baby boy!" she gave him a big hug and inhaled his scent she missed so much over the past couple of days. "Were you a good boy for uncle Fin? What did you guys get up to?" before Noah could start babbling incoherent words about what they had done, Fin chipped in.

"Oh you know, drinking beer, watching the sport channels, checking out the ladies in the club. Guy stuff!"

"Oh my goodness," Liv acted shocked, "did uncle Fin teach you all his Casanova moves? When the ladies starts to queue up outside my front door I'll be showing uncle Fin some moves of my own." she joked, shuffling her son's brown locks and received a giggle. Fin asked about Amanda and how she was doing. Olivia didn't want to go into detail but told him she was hanging in there and that they were on their way to the hospital to see the baby. He gave her a warm hug and told her to give Amanda one too.

The blonde was waiting anxiously in the car but smiled as she saw the brunette stepping out with a grinning two year old in her arms. She got him seated in the car seat and then got in herself behind the wheel. Turning towards Amanda she gave her a strong hug and rubbed her back soothingly.

Slightly startled by the movement, the blonde returned the hug. "What was that for?" she asked as they pulled away.

"That was from Fin. He says hi and that they're all thinking about you and the baby." she replied with a gentle smile. Amanda just nodded shyly and looked out the window as Liv headed towards the hospital.

Getting out of the car, Amanda stopped Liv by putting a hand on her arm. "I've been thinking," she said softly, reluctant to make eye contact. Liv waited patiently for her to continue. "I... I want to introduce Noah to my baby but I'm not sure of what to say. I mean, I do know but I don't..." she sighed in frustration, "I... I love you, Liv and you've been so good to me lately and I just... I don't know how I could ever repay you. Noah, is such a great kid. You've done so well raising him on your own and... I... I might need a bit of help in that department and if you wouldn't mind I... I just... maybe... if we... oh god..." she covered her face with her hands in frustration. This was not going well at all.

"Hey," Liv gently forced her hands away, making her look her in the eye. "Whatever you want to say to Noah about your baby is okay with me, honey. I know we just admitted our feelings for each other but my feelings towards you are real and whatever you feel comfortable with telling Noah is fine. Don't get yourself worked up over it, okay? Just do whatever feels natural to you."

That calmed the young detective some even though she was still nervous. Olivia carried Noah with one arm and the other was firmly placed on Amanda's lower back for support. They reached the peds intensive care unit and Amanda's heart stopped as she instantly noticed that her baby girl was missing. The incubator she was suppose to be in was empty. Taking a quick look around to see if they had moved her to a different incubator but her baby was nowhere to be found.

"Where... I... where's my baby?" Amanda said in a whisper, eyes wide with fear and her body trembling.


	21. Chapter 21

I See You

Chapter 21

"Relax, miss Rollins. Your baby is fine. Actually she's more than fine. Her breathing has improved tremendously so she has been moved to the regular peds unit. Her breathing tube was just removed and she's doing fine without it. If she keeps this up and there are no complications she should be able to go home in a few days. She's one floor up in the nursery, room 203."

Amanda ran to the elevator, Liv struggling to keep up wih Noah bouncing around in her arms. They made it to the second floor and ran to the big glass window of room 203. Amanda instantly spotted her newborn and tears flooded her vision. She was alive, breathing fine and looking just perfect. A nurse came to the window and gestured for them to come inside.

"Would you like to hold your baby, miss Rollins?" she asked with a smile, knowing that the blonde woman was dying to cradle her in her arms for the first time.

Amanda swallowed and nodded as the nurse went to pick up the little bundle. The blonde sat down on the sofa that was placed in a corner to the side and Liv joined her immediately with a curious Noah. When her baby was placed in her arms she couldn't hold her tears back any longer and she gasped as she felt the light weight in her embrace. She gurgled slightly, eyes still closed and her tiny hands were balled up into small fists.

Amanda nuzzled her nose into her baby's soft locks and inhaled her scent, overwhelmed by all sorts of emotions. "Hi baby. I'm your mama."

"She's beautiful, Amanda. So so beautiful." Liv had a hard time controlling her tears as well as the blonde. Noah squirmed in her lap, trying to get a glimps of the newborn.

Amanda giggled and positioned herself so that the boy could get a proper look. "Noah, this is my baby girl," she glanced nervously at Olivia before continuing, "her name is Jessie Olivia Rollins." then she looked down at her baby, "Jessie, meet your big brother Noah."

A small sob made Amanda look up and into Liv's teary eyes. The brunette was beyond words and could not speak or even open her mouth, afraid of breaking down completely. She just enveloped the mother and baby in a strong hug to show her the gratitude and love she felt in that very moment. She was honored that Amanda had named her baby after her. It made her feel so special and loved.

When they broke apart, Liv kissed her lightly on the lips. "Thank you." she said in a shaky voice, silent tears rolling down her cheeks.

"Would you like to hold her?" the blonde asked tentatively shifting the baby weight. Noah climbed over into Amanda's waiting arms as she handed over Jessie to Olivia.

Liv gasped at the feeling of holding something so precious and small. "She's so tiny. So light." she placed a feather light kiss on the baby's head, feeling the softness and the warmth of her skin. "Hi there, Jessie. I'm Olivia. It's a pleasure to finally meet you, little one." she whispered, enjoying the intense and private moment of holding an innocent little life in her hands.

"Baby?" Noah finally spoke up, his face lighting up in a huge grin.

The two women laughed and cried at the same time. "Yeah," Olivia said, "it's Amanda's baby. Isn't she beautiful?"

"Play?" he asked, raising his eyebrows, his eyes shining with anticipation and joy.

Amanda wiped at her tears. "She's too small to play, baby boy. When she gets a bit older you can play all you want but, for now, she needs you to be the best big brother ever and look out for her okay? She's gonna need all our help so she can get better and stronger so she can go home. Can you do that?"

The little boy nodded in determination, never taking his eyes off of his baby sister.

A few weeks passed. Jessie was doing really well but she was still very small. Amanda didn't worry too much about it since the doctor said it was completely normal and to be expected. She had taken two months of maternity leave and had five weeks left. The days before Jessie was due back from the hospital had been spent frantically shopping for baby stuff. Clothes, toys, a cot, stroller, baby monitor, diapers and every accessory you could possibly imagine.

Liv had been a great help, offering Amanda some of her old stuff that Noah was too big or old for. Jessie was only about a week old so toys were not on the agenda at the moment but the blonde wanted to be prepared and didn't want her little girl to be in need of anything. Growing up, Amanda never had any toys or never got new clothes and she didn't want that for her own daughter.

The two women had spent a lot of time together. Getting to know each other better over the past few weeks. Amanda was still not as open about her past as Liv was but she was getting there, step by step and Liv didn't rush her into anyhing she wasn't ready for.

Everyone at the precinct were happy for the two. Shocked when they first came out as a couple, yes, but still very pleased for the two female detectives. Amanda couldn't remember the last time she had been in such a peacefull state of mind. Yes, she did worry about Jessie getting sick, fall and hurt herself or even stop breathing but that was only natural for a mother, Liv had assured her.

They had spent countless hours having sex, enjoying each other's bodies, learning their likes and dislikes. It was never a dull moment between the two and that had a lot to do with Jessie and Noah as well. They were like two rays of sunshine in the detective's life's and they wouldn't change it for the world. Life was good. Life was contentious and surprisingly light for once. Amanda was just waiting for the good things to end, because they always do, but Liv reassured her, saying that things didn't have to end as long as they work hard on it together, keeping everything real and alive.

That made the blonde feel better. Liv always knew how to make her feel better. Always knew what she was thinking or what she was about to do or say. It was quite scary at first but with time Amanda got use to it and found it rather calming and comforting.

They both had talked about moving in together but it was too soon. Maybe in a few months time when things had settled down a bit more.

Amanda's sister Kim had called her, trying to make her see things from her perspective and indirectly blamed Amanda for her thoughtless and stupid decisions that made her end up in prison. Two days later Amanda's mum rang, trying to talk sense into her older daughter but Amanda was having none of it. They had made their choice. They had sided against her, walked away and wanted nothing more to do with her. Clearly that wasn't the case now, since they kept calling her, but Amanda stayed strong and kept them at a distance. She would never let them into her life again, never letting them get close to her baby and would never get Olivia involved in her private fucked up mess, even though the brunette said she didn't mind.

As they layed together in Olivia's bed, arms and legs tangled, Amanda propped herself up on one elbow, looking down into the older woman's soft brown eyes. "I love you." she whispered and lovingly placed a gentle kiss on her plump lips.

Olivia smiled and brushed blonde hair away from her face and stroked her cheek gently. "I love you too, sweetheart. So so much."

Again, they made love until they both fell back onto the matress, exhausted from pure bliss, body's glistening with sweat, breaths ragged and hearts pumping. Life was good.

The End

Author's note,

I would like to thank everyone for the awesome reviews I've received on this story. I'm a sucker for happy endings and I didn't want to take things further and spoil their peace and future together. I'm also a sucker for Olivia/Amanda shipping and you will definitely see more of them in my fandom. Thank you for reading, following and taking your time to leave a comment or a review. These two ladies are so beautiful and inspiring and it's so honourable that we are allowed to borrow these characters now and then and twist things around a little bit. (or a lot) Thank you Dick Wolf for creating these amazing people and personalities.

All my love.


End file.
